Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Super Bowel Sunday Approacheth

Hey there!

This isn't going to be a blog entry as much as it will be a mish-mash of things I'd just like to document, now that I've got an evening just to chill. I can't believe I've only made 2 other entries this month, but hey, nowhere did I mention that my goal was to blog more often right?? Funny how I feel disappointment over it though. Oh well.

Speaking of funny, I want to mention before I forget that Ted and I were invited to a Super "Bowel" party this weekend. hee A friend of mine with notoriously bad spelling has opened his heart and home to all his friends, and I'm hoping to God it's a football party and not some kinda "skat" party. (if you don't know what skat is... I suggest you not look it up. And assume that I fear a freestyle jazz-singing fete.) Teasing of course; it is most certainly a football party as he asked everyone to wear (spelled "ware") the proper attire. Specifically, shoulder pads and jock straps and not much else. hee. You'd have to know him. He's a sweetie with a constant smile on his face and an easy laugh. So viva le Super Bowel!

In other news... "heavens to mergatroid" do I love my iPod!!! The new 30gig one I got for my birthday. It truly is the most genius musical medium invention ever imagined. I'm still loading music on it and I'm up to almost 1700 songs. It holds 7500. There's nothing quite like it in the world for a music lover. And Ted is loving my nano even though it's a hand-me-down. God bless you Apple dude, whatever the hell your name is. you deserve to be rich.

Ahh, as I sit here with the dogs missing Ted (who's away in New Orleans - yep Louisiana - for a Sales Conference til Friday.) I'm wondering what I'd ever do without him. I truly do feel incomplete without him as hokey as that might sound. I'm just a hapless boob without him in a lot of ways. When he's not around I just kind of putter around in my underwear, wondering if I should make the bed at 9pm at night. I know, that's awful, but I never - ok rarely - make the bed. Ted claims I just don't do it right. And I must confess to sympathizing with those slob-type guys who don't quite get the point of making the bed when you're only going to mess it up again each night. Yeah, yeah, not when company's coming n' all that, but sheesh. Luckily I have Ted to make sure I'm getting into a fresh, tightly tucked bed each night. I miss him when he's not here, and I don't sleep as well... that's for sure.

Last night I had one of those "is it a dream" dreams in which some lady called and left 87 messages on our answering machine (and kept waking me up -in the dream- but not actually). She was distraught and looking to contact her daughter whom she believed to be away vacationing with her boyfriend in Jamaica. Her daughter had not returned home yet and she was understandably upset to have not heard from her. Finally I got up to answer her 88th call to break the news to her that she was calling the wrong number and waking me up with each call. Audibly disappointed, she promised me that she wouldn't call again, and we said good-bye. It was then that I realize I was in a house that wasn't my own, and all the windows were exposed and there was a huge outdoor concert going on across a field behind the house with crowds mulling about and people crossing the lawn and seeing me through the windows. I'm never one to just let people see in, so I went about the task of drawing all the curtains and shades in the house (as if it were mine and I knew exactly where every window was). Then the phone rings again, and it's the boyfriend of the missing daughter, calling to ask if I had heard from the mother and to tell her they were both fine if I heard from her again. Bizarro! But it gets more weird from there... because when I tell him that he just missed her for the 88th time... he tells me that I sound really good to him and initiates phone sex. Yee haw. But of course, as I always do when the dream's getting sexual... I wake up! To the sound of the damned alarm on our stereo that's set for 5:30am. The alarm that I have no idea how to unset, because it's so damned complicated and Ted always takes care of it. So until he returns I will be waking up at 5:30am to shut it off and wait for my cell phone to give me my proper wake-up call at a more godly hour. At least I know how to set and unset it. At any rate, I'm sure I'll have less unsettling dreams once Ted is home safe and sound. Until then, I wonder if the boyfriend will call back tonight! -har-

Blah... and now the topic that I was purposefully leaving to the end so as not to create yet another entry that's somber and possibly uncomfortable for others to read. So consider yourself forewarned that if you don't really care to partake in the ongoing saga that is my life-altering reveal to my mother that her beloved son is a homosexual, then you should probably stop reading now.

Still with me? Of course you are. ...thank you.

Yeah, so when last I spoke of this I was going to mail the infamous letter, that night. Well, I mailed it the next morning, which was a Friday. And my mom had it by Monday. God Bless Canada Post. But I'm skipping ahead. In preparation for Hurricane Shirley blowing in off the coast of denial, I did what any good brother would do, and called both my sisters to warn them of the potential for hysterical behaviour. For my sister Cheryl, this was alright, because she'd received a previous warning before Christmas that this was an inevitability and she's known since 94 that I'm gay. Darlene however, was getting it two-fold, since I was essentially "coming out" (God I hate that term.) to her AND preparing her for mom to go sub-atomic. Luckily, Darlene took it like a champ and didn't pass any judgement even though I'm sure she had a bit of conflict to deal with, given that of the 3 of us, she's been the only child to pursue a path similar to my mom's faith. She was wonderful about it to be honest.

Thus far it's been great for my relationship with my sisters I have to say. I can't recall a time when we've spent so much time talking on the phone and just getting reacquainted.

My mom on the other hand, although showing remarkable restraint has been predictably bitter, indignant and self-righteous, like I've "done this" to her. And I won't go into details of what she said, because although not intentionally hurtful, she can't help but be inappropriate and infuriating. And I don't really want to look back on this and remember what she said. Yeah, I've spoken to her once (this past Sunday) because she called to assure me that despite the fact that I've been listening to the devil's lies, she will always love me and that I should never believe otherwise. I guess that's encouraging in itself. I sincerely hope she surprises me, but I'm not holding my breath. She shouldn't have called me at all yet because she's neither ready to talk to me, nor listen when I speak. Thus I kept the conversation short and told her we should wait a little longer.

If nothing else comes from this, I take great comfort and liberty in being free of all the deception and in giving this conflict to her, I no longer feel like the one in the wrong for avoiding her and shutting her out. As much as I hesitate to use sports analogies, the ball is in her court, and if she chooses to keep me at a distance, I'm honestly quite OK with that. The distance between us is no longer my fault and that's good. I've sworn to myself that I will not lash out at my mom in anger over anything she might say (although I won't tolerate any verbal abuse or disrespect.) and I will be as compassionate of her feelings and respectful of her faith as I can possibly be. So far; so good. It feels great, and a big, heavy burden has been lifted from me. I'll keep you posted.

OK... longest blog entry ever... coming to a close. Whiny Basset Hound requiring pee-break and a belly-rub... in that order.

Song of the day... a choral group I heard on Classical 96 last week and ran out to buy the CD that night from Sam the Record Man downtown: "Libera" (a boys choir) and the title of their STUPENDOUSLY soul-fortifying CD is "Angel Voices". An apt title; believe me. And no, I'm not generally a choir lovin' type of guy. It's just beautiful music (entire CD). The song I heard (Going Home) is morbid yet comforting, and the album as a whole is very uplifting. I'll post the "Going Home" lyrics at a later date. But for now, I'll share the lyrics from my favourite track: "I Am the Day".

I am the day... soon to be born
I am the light before the morning
I am the night... that will be dawn
I am the end and the beginning

I am the alpha and omega
The night and day... the first and last

Illuminosa, immortalis
Sancta gloriosa
In aeterna

I am the life... soon to begin
I am the new hope in the morning
I am the darkness... soon to be light
I am the rising and the falling.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Bombs Away

It would seem as of late, I'm all about imposing deadlines on myself, so for anyone wondering what my progress is on the "Necessities for January" front, a letter has been written, rewritten and then edited one more time. If I can bring myself to unclench my fingers long enough to let it fall in the mail box, the deed will be done tonight. The self-imposed deadline comes in the form of documenting that I'm going to do it, therefore compelling me to make good on my written intention. Or at least that's the plan. Blah.

I'd like to post the letter in my blog, but somehow it's just wrong to leave something quite so ...raw... to me, dangling on the internet. Especially since someone might stumble upon it if they were to Google "mom", "Old Navy" and "Christmas" per say. meh... it could happen. At any rate I've made no forward motion on the other front, being the career-enriching, pursue-something-I'd-actually-enjoy front. But life-altering goal at a time I suppose.

Speaking of life-alteration... I highly recommend that you buy, borrow, rent or steal the movie "An Inconvenient Truth". Yes, it's a documentary but it's perhaps the most poignant movie we as a human race actually need to spread the word about. I thought that I was an environmentally aware/conscious person, but this movie is beyond just an "eye-opener". Our existence as a species depends upon embracing the ideals of environmentalism. It's heart-wrenching to see and hear what we've done and continue to do to our world. Devastatingly so. That being said; it's important to watch this movie in it's entirety to be able to walk away with a sense of optimism and hope. I've derived a lot of hope from watching this movie and I think it's more important than ever to be aware of our place and our role in the lifetime we're given. Each of us can make a difference with an individual contribution to the greater cause. I truly believe that. ...But before I wax too philosophical, I'll just leave it at that. And please note: I was kidding about stealing the movie, although I do think it's important enough for everyone to see almost to the point of theft. I'll let you steal my copy - how 'bout that?

No lyrics today. A song and a video instead. "I Need to Wake Up" Melissa Etheridge.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Necessities for January

First post of 2007 and I swear it won't be about flatulence. Although the mere "promise" to not make it about flatulence, has suddenly made it about flatulence, but I will move on from here.


So there are two things I want to get accomplished before the end of January. Call them resolutions if you please, but I'm starting to think of them as necessity rather than any kind of standard resolution and the fact that it's January and a new year doesn't have as much bearing on my need to get this done as the fact that it's my birthday in 2 days and I feel like I need to get my shit together. At any rate these 2 things are: 1. I will tell my mother I am gay. and 2. I will get a voice demo together for audition purposes and the aforementioned freelance work I hope to drum up this year.

Ask me which one I'm looking forward to more?

Yes it has become a necessity for me to tell my mother I'm gay. I've been consumed with the whole sordid idea for about 2 to 3 years now and I've spent way more time than that distancing myself from my family because of it. I'd say about 13 years or so to be honest.

You see, when I was young (11) and realized that I was gay, one of the first people I told was my mother. Puzzling, no? ...Well at that time, she instructed me that it was a phase that almost everyone goes through, but essentially if I prayed about it, it would go away with God's help. Luckily there were no "internment re-programming camps" at the time (or at least none she knew of or could afford) or I most-assuredly would have ended up at one. And luckily also, my mom was about as comfortable talking about sex as she is talking about astrophysics, so it didn't come up a lot much after that. But throughout my life she has made it abundantly clear that both she and God, hate homosexuals. (Yes, I know God doesn't truly.) Thus, from that time forward I slowly came to the conclusion that I couldn't talk to her about much, and by about the age of 16 I stopped talking to her about anything of any substance altogether.

My mom has spent all of these years burying her head in the sand and convincing herself that I'm not gay. To my crimes; you can add the detail that I've only ever given her an abridged version of what she wanted to hear, without actually "saying" I'm not gay. Nonetheless, the original plan I had when I was younger: "to just keep it to myself until she dies"... has begun to eat away at me. Namely because I've found I really do desire a "real" relationship with my only living parent, and I'm an honest person. There's no honesty to my relationship with my mom, so there's really no relationship. And she wants to have one but right now I'm the villain. The distant son who never calls, never writes and never visits. That's not to say "she thinks I'm the villain" but I do. For years, I've kept it to myself because I've always felt she'd be unable to cope with it, or worse: that I'd have to cope with her knowing. But it's time to just get everything out in the open, and if I have to walk away from her because of it, then so be it. It won't be because I don't love her.

This March 21st will mark 11 years that Ted and I have been together. Ironically and tragically, my mother really likes Ted. She buys him Christmas presents every year and she's aware that we've moved together "TWICE" from city to city. She's also aware that our first 2 apartments were one bedroom units. That kind of denial takes a lot of fuel. Fuel like asking me every now and again if I have a girl friend I'm not telling her about. Fuel like wondering aloud to me where everyone sleeps when Ted's sister and her kids come to visit. It's exhausting. And furthermore it's just really sad. I'm an adult, and it's time for me to either embrace her or walk away completely.

I know it sounds dire and probably more dramatic than what it seems it could possibly be, but you have to understand that my mom ranks homosexuality right up there with the greatest evils in the world. She makes no bones about making her opinions known either. 2 of several examples: when I was still living at home, she and her equally fanatical friend Pauline, would stage protests at any conference or "gay" related gathering or event in Kingston, (that, I can live with. She's entitled to her opinion) often subjecting themselves to a lot of ridicule, and nasty verbal retaliation, being spat on and the like... and most-notably, I remember overhearing her in the living room one day praying and crying (as she often did) and I wandered into the room to see her with hands planted firmly on the TV with a gay pride parade going on, crying out to God to strike them all down with AIDS. ...Yeah... nice. I confronted her immediately on it, (without telling her once again that her own son was gay) but there was no reasoning with her. Now in her defence, I don't think she'd still be praying like that now, and she's not a spiteful person. But she's given me ample reason to not want to tell her ever, so this decision of mine is a big deal.
Big enough for me to realize that I can't go on with things the way they are; with her being heart-broken that I essentially want little or nothing to do with her and she doesn't know why or at least "pretends" not to.

She was overjoyed that I went home to visit the family the Sunday before Christmas and we've had a couple of lengthy telephone conversations since then in which she's proclaimed that we're all (my sisters, myself and she) going to be a family again, a "close" family. That sounds good to me. It really does. But it can't happen without honesty and openness. I don't expect her to turn her back on a lifetime of beliefs and "accept" the fact that I'm gay. (I think that's beyond her abilities.) But I'm getting to the point where I can't shield her from it anymore and I don't think I should have to. Even if it's the most selfish thing I ever do.

And I realize that I'll have to endure a lot of crying and indignation and even some wrath, but I've spent too many years coming to terms with myself because of my family's spiritual expectations. I don't deserve the self-induced exile, and I do deserve to have my family love me for who I am.

Blah... sometimes it feels good to put your thoughts to words rather than listen to them from the confines of your own head. That's where I'm at on this topic, and now I'll let it rest for a while.
I know this has been a heavy entry, but I'm prone to them at times. Forgive me. -wink-

Don't Give Up (You Are Loved) - by Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up

Because you are loved
You are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one is to be heard
You are loved