Swing Pendulum Swing

Scooter and I didn't have our "date" last night. He called me up with a list of things he needed to get done and the things he didn't tell me were just as loud as the things he did. He's troubled. Which of course makes me want to rescue him. Which of course he does not want. So of course I will not offer.

What I did offer was to postpone our evening together til next week, which he initially accepted, and rescheduled for Monday... he then said we could get together last night, just to eat and part company -and- get together on Monday. I said "sure". He said "call me when you get off work" and I was happy that I was going to violate my own boundaries and see him twice in the span of a few days. But then, 10 minutes before I was going to call him, he called me, said he "was running late" and needed to just get together Monday.

He also expressed that he broke up with his boyfriend, really wanted to talk to me and had lots to tell me about.

It's funny how I could spend the better part of a week thinking of ways to tell him that I don't think I can give him anything anymore based on how he treats me, and within the span of a few minutes on the phone I surmise he thinks the distance between us right now is strictly for my comfort and doesn't know that anything is wrong. He tortures me. Or is it just "me" torturing me?

Far more likely the latter, with a good dose of the former.

He's such a private person, and so guarded. What little he gives me seems to be such a sacrifice for him, like he thinks he's giving me way more than he actually is.

If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be here. But then, it's not my feelings I question.

He's 25 years old, irresponsible, messed-up, repressed and directionless.
Head says run. Frequently. Heart says he's the one. More frequently. Almost constantly. Head says all I want to do is rescue him. Heart says he's an amazing man who hasn't realized it yet. Head says he'll never know what he wants unless you cut and run and let him come back to you. Heart says he needs a friend more than a lover right now, and I can't seem to detect the presence of any other man with a soul so like mine.

Tick tock. Stay, go. Tick tock. Love, run. I wonder if there's any Libra in me? That I can't make the decision to walk away. A Capricorn will believe in love with his last breath, even if it's the cause of his last breath, I'm thinking.

Do I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally? Yes. Am I convinced that person isn't Scooter? Absolutely not. Am I fucking delusional? Probably. But I'm only a danger to my emotional self.



Ray LaMontagne - "Let It Be Me"

There may come a time, a time in everyone's life
Where nothin' seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
There may come a time, you just can't seem to find your place
For every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
That's when you need someone, someone that you can call.
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you can't go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend that you need
Let it be me
Let it be me
Feels like you're always comin' on home
Pockets full of nothin' and you got no cash
No matter where you turn you ain't got no place to stand
Reach out for something and they slap your hand
I remember all to well
Just how it feels to be all alone
You feel like you'd give anything
For just a little place you can call your own
That's when you need someone, someone that you can call
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you cant go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend you need
Let it be me
Let it be me

How Would a Goat Say Amen?

"To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive".

-- Robert Louis Stevenson

I read this this morning in the subway and it really spoke to me. There are many inspirational quotations in the margins of the pages of The Artist's Way. Others have been really poignant to the recovery process I'm working towards, but this one in particular, speaks to my aching Capricorn soul.

If there is one thing I've learned over the past few years, it's that I do not enjoy advice. That's not to say I don't like hearing people's opinion, or that I don't think there's any wisdom to be found in the perspective of another. That would be foolish, and just plain goat-stubborn-stupid.

But, as I've pointed out before. I am a very unusual person. I don't always see why things should work the way people say they should... and therefore, I dig in my little hooves and lower my horns and defiantly bleat a sad little "goaty" tune as I take the difficult path.

Often I feel that people feel the need to solve your problems for you just as readily as they'd like someone to solve their problems for them. And really, I'm sure we all wish at some point in our lives that someone could wave a magic wand, but that's just not how things work.

As well-meaning as people are when they'd like to solve my problems... I quite frequently find myself annoyed at how quickly they're offering-up solutions when they don't even know the scope of how I feel or why. I find my annoyance with people offering advice has altered the way I talk to friends about their problems. I'm far more apt to ask question after question, and very seldom say what I "think" they should do. After-all, in most cases, we all do exactly what we're going to do, or would have done anyway.... ....don't we? Perhaps my thoughts on that are distorted by Capricorn arrogance.

At any rate, I wish sometimes that friends would try to understand my hurt instead of charting their course out of my journey.

Lion told me on Monday, "Oh JohnJo, you take a look around you, you spot the most complicated thing, and head straight for it." And that was pertaining to a sexual escapade I had on Friday night, that I detailed to him, but not to this blog. He's totally correct in the assessment of that circumstance, but let's keep in mind that he, at 25, has more experience sexually than I do at the ripe old age of 37. I'm allowed to experiment and I don't have to answer to anyone as long as I'm not hurting anybody.

And of course, as everything in my life swings back 'round to Scooter, I have overwhelmingly refused to "humbly say Amen" to what other people say about my love for him. I look for ways to justify the way I accept everything about our damaged (and perhaps, damaging) relationship in the name of believing that sometimes you must hold on, and not give up on someone. The difficulty with Scooter, for me, comes with discerning whether or not he wants me to give up on him.

If he did. I would.

And until I eventually detail the Johnny and Scooter saga from start to finish (which I'm working on in my "Yellow" notebook) and everyone knows every reason why I love him, how lovable he is, and the circumstances of every hurt we've caused one another... ...I really don't want any advice... ok? *wink*

I will not say "Amen". Not yet anyhow.


Kate Havnevik - "Kaleidoscope"

You cut me out in little stars
and place me in the sky.
I lose my sense of time

You know me
How troubled I can be
but through your kaleidoscope
I let go.

'Cause you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope
it's beautiful

A tingle travels up my spine
a cluster of colours and twine
as we melt into wine

You know me
How troubled I can be
but through your kaleidoscope
I let go

'Cause you show me
the world as it could be
through your kaleidoscope
it's beautiful