Global Anxiety

This morning I was listening to an interview with Joe Pantalone on CBC radio one. He just recently lost the race for Mayor of Toronto to Rob Ford. Mr Pantalone has been in politics for 30 years. He’s articulate. He seems thoughtful, intelligent and pleasant. Everything Rob Ford appears “not” to be.

The host asked Joe Pantalone what he thought could be the reason behind Toronto’s swing to a Conservative mindset, and he gave the most likely answer I’ve ever heard. He said “the world is in the grip of global anxiety”, and people when faced with fears tend to look for answers in the safest way. (I’m paraphrasing.)

I can’t help but wholeheartedly agree that that is exactly why a right-wing conservative mentality is on the rise. Fear.

The Conservative Party of Canada just killed Bill C-311, (requiring the federal government to set regulations to bring greenhouse gas emissions 25% below 1990 levels by 2020, and to set a long-term target to bring emissions to 80% below 1990 levels by 2050) furthering my belief that Stephen Harper and his cronies don’t give a rat’s ass about the environment.

People can control economies… (for the time being) until such time that our planet says “no more”. The “global anxiety” that Mr. Pantalone spoke of, is quite real. But I don’t think the heart of it is a financial recession. Granted, people having no means to support themselves or families is of huge concern to everyone.

I happen to think natural disasters are of bigger concern. And caring for our home… this planet… the only one we have… is of much greater importance than securing economies that will fall when the earth can no longer sustain us. “You can’t conduct business in a burning building”.

Global anxiety could be triggered at a very low-level of consciousness within us when our habitat is threatened. Volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, flooding, fires, storms… I’d say we’re getting our fair share of threats to our existence as a species. Religious folk (ie: my mom) wag a finger and claim it’s prophesy from the bible coming true. Perhaps. Who knows?

I tend to think a virile, unchecked, expanding species like our own, hell-bent on consuming and multiplying without any consequence is bound to hit a tipping point of “self-fulfilling” prophesy. When is the wake-up call, that we can, and will use things up? I think it was years ago.

People are still sleeping.

Imogen Heap - "Earth"

Baby, behave, we'll make it work [x8]
Are you with me? [x3]

You're not golden
And I'm getting tired
Act like you own the place
When really you've only just arrived

I caught first glimmers
In hides and skins
Look who's all grown up
Black swanning about the solar winds

You're gonna lose it all
And find yourself on your knees
So, get a grip and you might
Flow, reverse the great, slow bleed

I've tried patience, but
You always want a war
This house won't tolerate any more
Stop this right away

Put that down and clean this mess up
End of conversation
Put your back in it and
Make it up to me now

The cold shoulder
Folded arms and looking up
You've never listened
And carry on careless, regardless

This is not a fire drill and
If we hold any hope
It's harmonic connection
And stereo symbiosis

These legoland empires
Choking out mine now
You're everywhere, everywhere
Multiplying around me, child

A strain on my heart
This rock can't tolerate any more
Stop this right away

Put that down and clean this mess up
End of conversation
Put your back in it and
Make it up to me now

Baby, behave, we'll make it work [x8]
(Baby, do you love me?)

Whoa , oh, oh, oh
Whoa , oh, oh, oh
Whoa , oh, oh, oh (yeah)
Whoa , oh, oh, oh [cont]

You're only what you give back [x5]
Back
Stop this right away

(Baby, behave, we'll make it work) [cont]
Put that down and clean this mess up
End of conversation
Put your back in it and
Make it up to me now

Stop this right away
Put that down and clean this mess up
End of conversation
Put your back in it and
Make it up to me now

Are you with me? [x3]

You're only what you give back [x5]
Back

(You're not golden
And I'm getting tired
Act like you own the place
When really you've only just arrived)

Balls Harvey

Before I start in on my real thoughts...
did you know...
that the "Happy Face" was created by a commercial artist named Harvey Ball in 1963? He got $45 dollars for the job, and then got royally screwed. Because it became public domain before he could trademark it.
That, my friends is why the stores aren't called Ball-mart!
Fuck that would suck.

Anyhow, today I'm in a visibly better mood. I spent a better part of 3 hours engaged in a text message frenzy with PJ, who is campaigning to get into my pants. I keep telling him "no". He doesn't quite see this as an answer so much as an obstacle. Evidently I need to get over myself. Which makes me laugh, heartily. He thinks, I think, he wants more. He's incorrect. I know he wants more. And I can't give him more. I'm not even sure I can give him sex.

We've fooled around. We've made out. I've even given him a blow-job. But it was all too soon, and I have a working theory that "sex ruins everything" when it happens too soon. I need to see a sex therapist for a shitload of reasons. I have too many issues. I'm not even sure I'm attracted to PJ. He asked me if I was, and I said "a little bit", "I don't know". He's persistent though. And heaven help me, he's soooo sweet. He's the sweetest guy.
But wanna know how I know he wants more than just sex? I have proof. "If there is one thing I realized from meeting you. It's that I know there is still a spark in my heart, and it's not totally broken. So thank you." He texted those words to me today. I texted him back, "That's a beautiful gift PJ. Thank you. I know someone will see that spark and not run from it like me." And I told him he shouldn't be bargaining to give his heart to someone who doesn't want it. To which he replied, "I'm not trying to give you my heart. I'm trying to give you my cock."
Touche PJ.
I wouldn't be so leery if I hadn't campaigned for Scooter quite so diligently with some of the same arguments, that "I'm a grown man"... and "I have no expectations".
It's all fun and games til you lose 65 pounds because you can't eat or sleep at night. True story.
I will never play fast-and-loose with someone's heart.
I need a hooker. Hookers get you off and move on. (So I'm told.)

Speaking of Scooter... last night we went to dinner at Lonestar Texas Grill. I confronted him about "the kiss", and we had our first conversation of depth in almost a year. He fed me ambiguity, and promised to alter his behaviour. I showed my hand and told him I'm still getting over him. We talked neurosis and insecurity. He made me laugh, as always. I felt my love for him reaffirmed, and simultaneously felt the sinking feeling that I'm that much closer to the necessity of letting go. I will let go. I will be his friend. It just hurts.
I had a really great time with him though. And I felt better for having spoken my mind even if he's not brave enough to give me honest answers. It's enough. The fact that we are "not meant to be" is sinking in. I hope.
I also went with a game plan. We're now only going to get together once a month. He said "twice". But I've got distance to cover.

This one's for Harvey Ball. :-)

"Hide And Seek" (Roksonix Dubstep mix) - Imogen Heap
,
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Because it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.

The Most Beautiful Light

I am single now. I think it's starting to sink in. (it hurts, but that's part of the reason how I know.)

Last night I spent my first night alone (with the dogs thankfully). The sun still rose in the morning. And for the first time in a very long time, I played music while I got ready for work because I didn't have to worry about waking anyone up. That's a plus. Ok, so I'm not much of a rebel, it was classical music... but it was music none-the-less, and if I want to play it all the time, I can now.

I have learned to appreciate the peace that silence and quiet time can bring. But I think it's time to let my greatest joy in life carry me through the hard times ahead.

This weekend was disgusting-hot, which was an expected conclusion to a week that was scorching hot. At long last (although I haven't documented it at all), I have found an apartment in York. Elm Ridge Drive to be more precise. I'm going to be living on the 18th floor of a high rise. Facing west again; which I'm looking forward to, as I'll be able to nurture my all of my plants with hours and hours of sunshine, just like they prefer. My apartment opens to a dining room, kitchen to the right, and a sunken living room straight ahead (which I adore). It has a nice big balcony, a nice big bedroom and a huge walk-in closet with more space than I could ever use on my own. It's a pet-friendly building with swimming pool. And it's a mere 5 minute walk to the nearest subway station. So I'm quite pleased with my new digs. May they serve me well, and house my hopes and dreams for this new chapter in my life.

Anyone wanna help me move? lol

Not Now, But Soon - Imogen Heap

Not now, but soon,
The most beautiful light
Will wake us to pillow fighting excitement

Not now, but soon,
Bright into
Every corner,
Satellites manoeuvre in beams of change,

Standing by the best days of our lives,
Magnificent, the best days of our lives,
Big bang boom, the best days of our lives
They’re coming right up
If we can just get through this one.

Who said it was over?
It’s as good as it gets
Well we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves yet

If we swallow "it’s all over" and open wide on these make-to-believe
Sullen, chewed up, sodden soliloquies,
Oh, we’re sweet nothings anymore

Terrifying best, days of our lives
We’re hanging on the best days of our lives
No two ways about it, best days of our lives
They’re coming right up, if we can just get through this one.

I’ll hang on grab onto your feet
Someone else holds tied to my shoelaces
When their trouser leg tears, runs and stops at the seam to keep us
dangled together
Until help finds us here

Best days of our lives
Better be the best days of our lives
Bring on the best days of our lives
Coming right up, whoa
Coming right up
If we can just get through this one.