How I Met Pugs

Going to have dinner with Pugs tonight. Yummo, yummo, yummo... we're having Chinese take-out from China House restaurant on Eglinton West. It's a celebratory dinner because she got a 6-month contract job that she starts on Monday. I'm really happy for her. And quite proud of her too. Pugs is my 59 year old friend who lives one floor down from me in my building.

We sometimes go to the movies, sometimes play cards, and she quite frequently invites me over for dinner. She's a nice lady, and though she's lonely, she's assertive and social and when she has no friends, she introduces herself to strangers.

I know this, because that's how we met.

2 years ago when I was still a dog-owner, I used to run into Pugs in the elevator with her little dog "Suzette". We communed as most dog owners do with the good fortune of having dogs that don't want to kill every other dog they encounter.

You get 3 guesses what breed of dog she has, and the first two guesses don't count.

When I first met Pugs, she kind of spooked me a little, because she was so forward and a little socially awkward. But... loneliness does that. I'm learning first hand. Sometimes the mere act of speaking to strangers seems to project a second holographic head beside your real one for people to gawk at as they reach for non-existent pepper spray.

The first time Pugs and I had a significant conversation was the day she saw me toting around a book. (not an unusual sight) It was the Time Traveler's Wife. She's an avid reader, and took full advantage of the opportunity to ask me what I thought of the plot, and since I was loving it, I told her so. The next time I saw Pugs, she told me she'd picked-up a copy of the book and was reading it too.

One day she kinda cornered me in the elevator and just blurted out, "John, are you gay"? Bold, top-of-the-mind inquisition that brought a smile to my face. I replied, "Yes I am". And she was pleased that I would admit it to her. She said she wondered because I always referred to the dogs being with "my ex" every second week, and never saying ex "girlfriend" or "wife". Pugs also wanted me to know she had no issues with gay people and she was worried that we'd never be friends if I couldn't tell her. She then asked me if we could be friends outright, to which I replied with more than a little inward trepidation that we could.

I'm a little ashamed to admit that, because really, being friends with Pugs has added a wonderful element to my home life. It's really nice to have a friend who lives in another apartment in your building. We've borrowed things from one another. I've helped her with things she couldn't do on her own, looked after plants, and I'm going to look after Suzy for her for a weekend in January. And she cooks for me, and lends me books, and quotes me poetry and tells me stories. We take turns paying when we go to movies and restaurants. It's kind of like having a mother who's a friend.
Admittedly, I don't treat her like a mother, because I have issues with her getting too close, because she can be a little ...eccentric, and demanding. But for the most-part, I really do enjoy being friends with Pugs, and like that I can help her and be company. I don't want to even allude to it being charity, because she's been a friend and company for me too. It's not like I'm mister popular.

Pugs is a kind woman. She's led an emotionally difficult life, and she doesn't wield her solitude like a crutch. I admire her. Even if she thinks her dog is actually speaking to her.

Perhaps a stage in life that waits for me too.

Elvis Presley - "Are You Lonesome Tonight"

Are you lonesome tonight,
Do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the worlds a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why Ill never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But Id rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you wont come back to me
Then make them bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

The Curve

This weekend has been a chapter in learning to live alone. I'm getting there. And I can assure anybody that there is a lot to be learned from spending all the "firsts" by yourself. The May holiday weekend... it's the "first" weekend of the summer by many standards. I'm not proud of the mopey manner in which I spent most of it, but here on the twilight day of it, I've taken two long walks, got some much needed sleep, had a paradigm shift in my attitude about my search for "romance" (let's see how long that lasts) ... AND I washed all my living room windows, inside and out.

I watched a half-decent movie last night, "I Love You Man"... (half-decent, but not recommended necessarily). It's one of those comedies I had really low expectations for, but despite some RRRREALLY painful (intentionally) awkward scenes, this movie hit home on a fundamental level. In a nutshell, it's the story of a guy who's never taken the time throughout his life to make "guy" friends. Instead, he's devoted himself entirely to relationship after relationship with women. When faced with marriage and the realization that he doesn't even have someone close enough to ask to be in his wedding party, let-alone be best man, he sets out on a search to make male friends. There's so much truth and sad irony in the isolation we set ourselves up for when we hit our stride in a relationship, never thinking we need anyone else after being so completed by the love we've found. Couple that with the lack of opportunity to even pursue "new" friendships as an adult... and what other people are undoubtedly laughing about (in this movie) has me taking a long, hard look at my life and wondering just "how long" I'm going to be alone.

I think I may have erred entirely in my lack of maintenance with female friends in particular, in an effort to find the elusive "something" I'm looking for in guys. But then, I think I'm hard to wrap your head around, be you male or female, and though I know I'm kind and respectful, I'm also extremely "judgemental" in that I look for magic, and the moment there's a hint of it's void, I know (or default that) the relationship holds little reward. Not because I expect someone to instantly fulfill everything I want them to be, but because I know exactly what I don't want.

That makes me sound like an ogre. Hmmph. Maybe I am one. They certainly live a life of solitude in every tale.

I'm just thinking out loud.

This song... a curious choice I'm sure. But I've got my own cryptic reasons for picking it.

Something Stupid - Robbie Williams (with Nicole Kidman)

I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I can see it in your eyes
You still despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever
lines to say
To make the meaning come true
But then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late
And I'm alone with you

The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

(INSTRUMENTAL)

The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you

Scattered Ramblings

So much can happen in one week, or perhaps I'd be more precise in saying a week can pass so quickly as I feel like so much has been going on, but I'd be hard-pressed to produce an actual list. My life is most certainly uneventful when compared to others. It's just too damned busy for my own personal liking right now. But maybe that's exactly what I need.

To summarize quickly: first of seven modules complete with a final mark of 84%. Second module in progress with extreme bouts of anxiety. Marketing, marketing, marketing. Le sigh!

In happy news, I have a dear, close friend KittyCole, moving to Toronto very soon from Edmonton. She's accepting a fantastic job at CHFI and after 8 long years we'll be living in the same city again! Hell; I would have been equally thrilled at the prospect of living in the same province again. Same city is just cake! And of course my friend Bo and her fiance Andrew are moving to Toronto again after a year's absence. I'm hoping to get reacquainted and spend more time with them once they're here. The last time around I think I missed-out on the opportunity to spend more time with my "Bo", and then before I knew it they were off to Ottawa.

I've got a minor belief that people are cosmically connected, and that the strongest of these connected souls continue to be buoyed to one another throughout their existence. The fact that I've got 2 good friends returning to close proximity seems to fortify that theory.

Being a better friend is something I've got to work harder at. It would seem I've fallen out of practice over the years. It's odd when you're with someone and that relationship becomes the focal point of your life. I've learned (...still learning) friendships just seem to fade in and out throughout the course of life. At a much younger age, that concept would've horrified me, because my friends meant everything. But I've grown much more comfortable and accepting of good-bye's, and the knowledge that true friendships can rekindle in a heartbeat.
I'm truly fortunate that my Eak holds the title of both partner and best friend. It's played a big role in me falling out of touch with other people for sure, but I've never felt a void since I'm always content to just be with him. Lately though, I am realizing that I'm sadly short on good friends. I've attributed that to the fact that I'm generally disappointed in people and not nearly as tolerant of little personality quirks as I used to be. People annoy me. Perhaps that's my shortcoming, but at any rate, that only accounts for my lack of "new" close friends. The close friends that I've fallen out of touch with, there's no legitimate excuse for really. Maybe I need to realize this re-convergence of friends as a catalyst to reach out. Hopefully I will.

In more frivolous pursuits, I really must document that the Disney animated film "The Wild" is absolute drivel. What prey-tell am I doing watching a kids movie? Eak and I LOVE animation and we will on regular occasion pick up the big feature presentation DVD's for our own viewing pleasure. Favourites: The Incredibles, Monsters Inc., The Little Mermaid, and the like. We finished watching "The Wild" last night and I have actual regrets about the misspent time.

It was quite simply too juvenile to be entertaining to anything less than a bound and gagged 4 year old, subdued with a Ritalin IV drip. Yeah, that's harsh, but I generally enjoy these movies and I've seen enough of them to both recognize and appreciate the merits they hold for the young'uns they're directed at. So in over-stepping my role as someone who has no business critiquing a kids movie (having no kids and not being one myself) I dare say that "The Wild" is a big, though impressively pretty, steaming pile of excrement. The plot was contrived - yeah I know - but even more so than usual. The story was all over the place. The voice-characterizations seemed completely ad-libbed without any heed to where the script intended the story to go. (so so very much shouting and incoherent nattering - and actors assuming their performances were much more funny than they actually were) (ie: the scenery-chewing William Shatner -god love him- as a villainous, carnivore-aspired wildebeest)

Anyhow... enough about that and on to the song selection of the day. A favourite of mine from the early 90's: "Money Can't Buy It" by Annie Lennox. I've never "had" money, in my sweet, short life, but this song is more about acquisition and places that we "hide" in a futile search for happiness and fulfillment through avenues that can never bring us to those things. Or at least that's my interpretation. hee Interestingly enough, Annie actually "rapped" in this song... it's disguised by the musical tone of her voice, but the bridge is definitely rap.

Money can't buy it...baby
Sex can't buy it...baby
Drugs can't buy it...baby
You can't buy it...baby

I believe that love alone might do these things for you
I believe in love alone yea yea

Take the power to set you free
Kick down the door and throw away the key
Give up your needs...
Your poisoned seeds
Find yourself elected to a different kind of creed

I believe that love alone might do these things for you
I believe that love alone might do these things for you
I believe in the power of creation
I believe in the good vibration
I believe in love alone yea yea

Won't somebody tell me what we're coming to
It might take forever till we watch those dreams come true
All the money in the world won't buy peace of mind
You can have it all but you still won't be satisfied

Money can't buy it...baby
Sex can't buy it...baby
Drugs can't buy it...baby
You can't buy it...baby

Now...Hear this Pay attention to me
'Cause I'm a rich white girl and it's plain to see
I got every kind of thing that the money can buy
Let me tell you all about it
Let me amplify
I got DIAMONDS
You heard about those
I got so many that I can't close
my safe
at night
in the dark
Lying awake in a sick dream

I believe that love alone might do these things for you
I believe that love alone might do these things for you
I believe in the power of creation
I believe in the good vibration
I believe in love alone yea yea


****as a PS.... So much can evidently happen in a single Blog entry. What a scattered mess. But oh well.