A Scooter Tale

Do you think that when you treat someone really well, that they'll always come back to you?

I know I haven't "said" a whole lot about Scooter lately, but it doesn't mean he hasn't been on my mind... like a feedback loop... or a virus...

Mind you, as of late I've spent a helluva lot more time thinking negatively about him, and how we're not even going to be able to be friends. Quite frankly, I've had little choice but to think about all the negative things about him. Here we are in the midst of another break. Another bout of silence, that I'm pretty sure he feels is up to me to break, and come back when I'm ready. But... the thing is... the part of me that wants to do that is really diminished. More so than it's ever been. And right now, I'm just kinda clinging to the idea, that eventually we won't be all that important to one another anymore. It's kind of already happening. I mean, how many times can two people come back to one another to reaffirm they want different things? Especially when one of those people has no sexual boundaries and keeps hurting the other person (who happens to still be in love).

I still flounder back and forth, and fuck knows, I have really, really bad days still where I miss him with a really profound ache, and wish I could just be around him. But then I remind myself how cold and cruel he's been to me, and how he just can't seem to communicate and use the English language to tell me what it is exactly he does want from me, so I find myself more often feeling I've had enough and no amount of growing-up on his part could ever make it worth it to let him get close to me again. But like I say... that's floundering and wavering... and the "giving-up" part of me is just on the heavier side of the scale right now. But whether encouraging or discouraging... that is where I'm more apt to linger these days when I'm driving myself crazy thinking about him.

During our last lengthy break from one another, (which lasted from April to September) he told me he just "needed more time"... though he never specified what he needed that time for. When he contacted me at the end of August, there was no mention of what that time had been spent evaluating... just that he missed me. And when we got together near the end of September, a very romantic kiss, made things very ambiguous for my best intentions of just being friends. I might add, that I think it's both shitty and immature of someone to need "time" to be someones friend. I don't have a disease, and it's not like I can "make" him love me.

I've spent too much time playing the idiot.

Plain and simple.

There are two ways in which Scooter does NOT treat me like a friend: 1) the physicality... the kissing, the holding, the nuzzling, the intimacy. 2) the emotional arm's length... no longer discussing anything of depth, only communicating in person and pretty-much ignoring all else. That is not the behaviour of a friend, and on two levels, it's not something I can work with, adapt to, or accept: 1) I have been in love with him for a long time. I can't be given the physical intimacy I want. I'll never say "no" to it, and he shouldn't want it if he doesn't think of me romantically. 2) we WERE friends before. Friends that spoke and shared and communicated. To roll-back our contact to something less-than what friendship is about seems pointless.
Both paths are blocked and impassable.

When last we spoke (a week and a half before Christmas) I told him I didn't feel welcome in his life. He said (I'm paraphrasing) there was nothing he could do about it. I said, perhaps we needed more time apart. To which he replied that would be fine and that I should just contact him when I'm ready, and I said I didn't think I'd contact him again. Again he said there was nothing he could do, he wasn't "cool with it", but he'd wish me well if that's what I wanted. So... I said good bye.

I'm leaving stuff out... just so you know... but that's the gist. And now we play this ridiculous waiting game rather than discuss our differences.

To see it in print, I know I'm done. He won't hear from me again. But.... and that's a huge BUT... I know he'll be back. And I'm not looking forward to my reaction to it. I'm not looking forward to telling him to "stay gone". I'm not looking forward to telling him "thanks for thinking of me. I hope you're happy and well. Take care." I'm not looking forward to telling him "I have zero interest in being in your life because you feel guilty". I'm not looking forward to ignoring him entirely. I'm not looking forward to saying "what do you want?" or "Fuck you". Because I see all of those things as an unwillingness to forgive him for something I don't think someone needs to apologize for. He doesn't love me. Big fucking deal. That's the way life is. At the same time, I think it shows a tremendous void of respect for myself to even attempt to be his friend. He's proven he can't. He can't respect my feelings and keep his hands to himself. And there's no level of acceptance in between. It's not like I'm being given the chance to be around him and just suck-it-up that we're never going to be together, because we end-up not speaking for months at a time, because I'm not allowed to be around him and in love simultaneously.

His rules.
Not mine.
It just so happens, this time I've chosen to walk away because he called me back into his life to hurt me -yet again- and it hasn't quite occurred to him, that I'm being given every reason to not even fucking "like" him anymore, and why would I return to a friendship with a douche bag and ignore the humiliation of ever being in love with said douche bag for the honour and privilege of being said douche bag's friend?

Sounds pretty cut and dried doesn't it? Simple decision.

Simple decision had I never ever been close to him.
Simple decision if I didn't know how damaged and hurting he is.
Simple decision if there wasn't a delusional core of me that believes he's loved me for a long time and just can't trust that what I feel is real because of the mind-set I was in when we met (after coming out of a 12+ year relationship, and determined that polyamory was for me.)

For all of these reasons, and the HUGE, glaring, life-chewing issue of my sanity being at stake... I stay away. And I will stay away. Far, far away with no real danger of breaching that agreement with myself.

Being in love with someone... like I mean the crazy, movie/romance novel level of love... is as close to insanity as I've ever come. I'm not even convinced I'm not already plummeting to absolute absence of common sense as I type this... a fall set in motion too long ago to ever turn back from or reverse the effects of. I know I shouldn't want it anymore. I certainly shouldn't want Scooter anymore. It's a trap. Being in this kind of love with anyone, is a mind trap.

It's made me afraid of everyone who even smiles at me.

I don't know how I'm going to react on that inevitable day when he comes back to fuck with me again, or try to make amends... whichever the case may be... but I do vow, that I'll never let myself feel this way about someone who doesn't feel exactly the same way about me - ever again.

I'm hoping upon hoping that I won't want him by the time he figures out that I'm not coming back, but I can't even guarantee that.

Absolute madness.

Sweet Nothing - Ashlyne Huff

The sky is grey today
It's like it knows
It knows that it's that kind
A couple highs but mostly lows
Gravity has come
Forcing me to fall down to nothing

You were my conviction
My happiest concern
Then it all came down
When luck was gonna turn
Gravity has come
It's done this once before
And now I'm feeling

Sweet nothing
Sweet, sweet nothing

The atmosphere is cold
I thought I'm feeling more
Now it's more like numb
And I don't care to be yours
Gravity has come
But it hasn't won
And all our memories drift away into the

Sweet nothing
Sweet, sweet nothing

I guess I tried
I guess I'm fine
I think I'll try again sometime

Sweet, sweet nothing
You were my sweet, sweet nothing
I feel sweet nothing

6 am in Toronto, 12pm in Madrid

I'm up really early because I got to Skype with Lion (in Spain). : ) Only for a few minutes though. He had to run, but he really wanted to see me with no beard. He says I look good, but he's biased.

I miss him.

It's always nice to see him when it's 6am for me and noon for him, because he's full of energy and that's the Lion I remember. Happy and feisty and cute. Nobody loves me like him. Nobody ever has. He puts a perma-grin on my face.

Back to bed though for half an hour if I can even sleep at this point.


....and oh yeah... ...I just saw this story... we're doomed.

Swing Pendulum Swing

Scooter and I didn't have our "date" last night. He called me up with a list of things he needed to get done and the things he didn't tell me were just as loud as the things he did. He's troubled. Which of course makes me want to rescue him. Which of course he does not want. So of course I will not offer.

What I did offer was to postpone our evening together til next week, which he initially accepted, and rescheduled for Monday... he then said we could get together last night, just to eat and part company -and- get together on Monday. I said "sure". He said "call me when you get off work" and I was happy that I was going to violate my own boundaries and see him twice in the span of a few days. But then, 10 minutes before I was going to call him, he called me, said he "was running late" and needed to just get together Monday.

He also expressed that he broke up with his boyfriend, really wanted to talk to me and had lots to tell me about.

It's funny how I could spend the better part of a week thinking of ways to tell him that I don't think I can give him anything anymore based on how he treats me, and within the span of a few minutes on the phone I surmise he thinks the distance between us right now is strictly for my comfort and doesn't know that anything is wrong. He tortures me. Or is it just "me" torturing me?

Far more likely the latter, with a good dose of the former.

He's such a private person, and so guarded. What little he gives me seems to be such a sacrifice for him, like he thinks he's giving me way more than he actually is.

If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be here. But then, it's not my feelings I question.

He's 25 years old, irresponsible, messed-up, repressed and directionless.
Head says run. Frequently. Heart says he's the one. More frequently. Almost constantly. Head says all I want to do is rescue him. Heart says he's an amazing man who hasn't realized it yet. Head says he'll never know what he wants unless you cut and run and let him come back to you. Heart says he needs a friend more than a lover right now, and I can't seem to detect the presence of any other man with a soul so like mine.

Tick tock. Stay, go. Tick tock. Love, run. I wonder if there's any Libra in me? That I can't make the decision to walk away. A Capricorn will believe in love with his last breath, even if it's the cause of his last breath, I'm thinking.

Do I deserve someone who loves me unconditionally? Yes. Am I convinced that person isn't Scooter? Absolutely not. Am I fucking delusional? Probably. But I'm only a danger to my emotional self.



Ray LaMontagne - "Let It Be Me"

There may come a time, a time in everyone's life
Where nothin' seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
There may come a time, you just can't seem to find your place
For every door you walk on to, seems like they get slammed in your face
That's when you need someone, someone that you can call.
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you can't go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend that you need
Let it be me
Let it be me
Feels like you're always comin' on home
Pockets full of nothin' and you got no cash
No matter where you turn you ain't got no place to stand
Reach out for something and they slap your hand
I remember all to well
Just how it feels to be all alone
You feel like you'd give anything
For just a little place you can call your own
That's when you need someone, someone that you can call
And when all your faith is gone
Feels like you cant go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it's a friend you need
Let it be me
Let it be me

I'm Like This Sometimes

I got the letter "from me" "to me" in the mail today. And an interesting thing happened: I typed it out to share, and then realized it truly was just for me. There was something very affirming about the process and the decision.

If I had to give it a name, I'd say self-sanctity.

Sorry, not much for blogging fodder, but something I can look back on some day.

Nothing worse than telling someone about a surprise and then never revealing what it is. Nasty goat bastard that I am.

I'm feeling really cerebral today, and I know how boring that is. But I don't really have any readers, which makes this for me. 'Kinda nice.

I wrote something on July 24th of this year, that I'm going to share instead... it's from the "Pink Notebook". I'm not mentioning real names of course... so that may detract from the heartfelt nature of the words. Hopefully one can imagine full, given names substituted for the privately assigned nicknames.

July 24, 2010

No one in this life has loved me the was "Lion" has. May I keep him close and show him nothing but love in my days. Even as I explore love and reconcile love.

May there never be any doubt in my heart that I have loved three men deeply... "Eak", "Scooter", and "Lion".

Each of them have pieces of me known by no other men.

Each of them occupy my soul and being with the purity of wanting what is best for them and to know them the rest of my days. To forgive and be forgiven, to tread with courage to be vulnerable, and the willfulness to do them no intentional harm through life's inevitable transgressions.

.....

It's so singularly meaningful to only me, even now. Perhaps especially now. But I feel blessed to love the way I do and not know any other way to feel about them. I want to know them and love them and give them myself. Maybe one day there will be another name to add to that list with whom the chemistry will be mirrored and perfect. Thus far something has always been just out of reach.

My heart's a vast place. My head's a black hole. Disparaging things could be said, but not by me anymore.

Balls Harvey

Before I start in on my real thoughts...
did you know...
that the "Happy Face" was created by a commercial artist named Harvey Ball in 1963? He got $45 dollars for the job, and then got royally screwed. Because it became public domain before he could trademark it.
That, my friends is why the stores aren't called Ball-mart!
Fuck that would suck.

Anyhow, today I'm in a visibly better mood. I spent a better part of 3 hours engaged in a text message frenzy with PJ, who is campaigning to get into my pants. I keep telling him "no". He doesn't quite see this as an answer so much as an obstacle. Evidently I need to get over myself. Which makes me laugh, heartily. He thinks, I think, he wants more. He's incorrect. I know he wants more. And I can't give him more. I'm not even sure I can give him sex.

We've fooled around. We've made out. I've even given him a blow-job. But it was all too soon, and I have a working theory that "sex ruins everything" when it happens too soon. I need to see a sex therapist for a shitload of reasons. I have too many issues. I'm not even sure I'm attracted to PJ. He asked me if I was, and I said "a little bit", "I don't know". He's persistent though. And heaven help me, he's soooo sweet. He's the sweetest guy.
But wanna know how I know he wants more than just sex? I have proof. "If there is one thing I realized from meeting you. It's that I know there is still a spark in my heart, and it's not totally broken. So thank you." He texted those words to me today. I texted him back, "That's a beautiful gift PJ. Thank you. I know someone will see that spark and not run from it like me." And I told him he shouldn't be bargaining to give his heart to someone who doesn't want it. To which he replied, "I'm not trying to give you my heart. I'm trying to give you my cock."
Touche PJ.
I wouldn't be so leery if I hadn't campaigned for Scooter quite so diligently with some of the same arguments, that "I'm a grown man"... and "I have no expectations".
It's all fun and games til you lose 65 pounds because you can't eat or sleep at night. True story.
I will never play fast-and-loose with someone's heart.
I need a hooker. Hookers get you off and move on. (So I'm told.)

Speaking of Scooter... last night we went to dinner at Lonestar Texas Grill. I confronted him about "the kiss", and we had our first conversation of depth in almost a year. He fed me ambiguity, and promised to alter his behaviour. I showed my hand and told him I'm still getting over him. We talked neurosis and insecurity. He made me laugh, as always. I felt my love for him reaffirmed, and simultaneously felt the sinking feeling that I'm that much closer to the necessity of letting go. I will let go. I will be his friend. It just hurts.
I had a really great time with him though. And I felt better for having spoken my mind even if he's not brave enough to give me honest answers. It's enough. The fact that we are "not meant to be" is sinking in. I hope.
I also went with a game plan. We're now only going to get together once a month. He said "twice". But I've got distance to cover.

This one's for Harvey Ball. :-)

"Hide And Seek" (Roksonix Dubstep mix) - Imogen Heap
,
Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Because it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's just what we need? And you decided this.
Mmm what you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.
You don't care a bit.

Love: the Disease

Countdown to an evening with Scooter tomorrow night.

He brings out my neurosis full force. ...And the deepest sadness I've ever known.

November 7th marks the 2 year anniversary of when I met him. I've never loved anyone as much as I do him. And he keeps me at arm's length. And breaks my heart over and over.

I let him. Like a complete bitch with no self-esteem, I let him. Just to have him in my life. Just in the off chance that I can show him how much I love him.

He draws me in... And pushes me away.

From one day to the next I waffle back and forth between showing him nothing but love... and telling him good bye for good. Good bye is winning today.

Everblue

Love doesn't come alone, now does it?
Present perfect tense
So you made yourself a new world
Where even strangers make more sense
I pay the pain up right straight ahead
And with the beat
You can ease yourself into the light
Or keep that record on repeat

What if I loved you?
What if I loved you?
What if I loved you?
Everblue
Everblue

Fought away the sleepless hours
Unsettled dreams will make you keep
You can paint them all your brilliant colors
Just don't fall off into the deep
Happiness is not a burden
Oh, how the pendulum will swing
I have felt the ground, I've seen the seeds

Out of which grew golden wings

What if I loved you?
What if I loved you?
What if I loved you?
Everblue
Everblue

High above the stars are dancin'
To a soul, one bird is singin'
And it's you, my Everblue

What if I loved you?
What if I loved you?
You know I love you
My Everblue
Everblue
Everblue
Everblue