A Life Full of Ticky Tacky

Quite obviously, Facebook is bad for my blogging.

Not to mention... I can't quite put my finger on it, but I have a theory that Facebook depresses me. Perhaps it's that other people appear to have more eventful/meaningful lives than I do, or perhaps it's all that activity and interaction going on, knowing full-well that people aren't really "thinking" about you, or wanting to spend time with you. They're just slapping a post-it note on your head to let you know you're still friends.

At any rate... I'm having a rough time of things this week. And "that" is also bad for my blogging. 'Cause nobody wants to read about how sad or lonely you are. I know this, because I don't want to "write" about how sad and lonely I am. And furthermore, I want to be one of those people who's perfectly satisfied with his own company, and uses the solitude to accomplish fulfilling things.

I just can't seem to get a handle on that yet.

Anyhow... anyhow, anyhow, anyhow... in much more enjoyable news, I have discovered just how much I thoroughly enjoy the show "Weeds". I've had the first season on DVD for literally years now and just this weekend, decided to crack the plastic and give it a whirl. The result was a 6 hour marathon to watch the whole thing because it was just that good. I just couldn't stop. The show in general is quite clever and volleys back and forth between provocative and humourous, but there are moments of incredible tenderness. One episode in particular ends with "this scene" (clicky clicky) where Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) is watching a video of her and her husband Judah while they were making love. Poignant because Judah, is her deceased husband, and the entire premise of the show is her trying to care/provide for herself and their two sons after his death. Prior to what you see here, she has just gone through many things she never thought she'd do, and questioning her decisions with regret and takes a moment to reflect and allow herself to miss him. Her grief is not something they dwell on throughout the entire season, but when they do...
...Yeah... I cried a lot. It's unfortunate this particular youtube clip cuts off the song before it finishes throughout the credits, because it really is perfectly fitting and heart-wrenching.

"Ballerina" by Leona Naess (this link contains a rough recording of a live performance)

I'll never feel the weight of your hands
Inside mine, like diamonds
Lace so fine, ballerina
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from my sleep that
Never comes, are you breathing?
Waiting for me

I didn't really want you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue, want to scream out loud

I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty, in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
I want to rescue, want to scream out loud
You will always be mine

The room spins
Pull you from me
My body burns
Tell me all the rainbows
The colors that the rain throws
Ballerina dance softly
She knows when to come only
When she's called on, slowly coming to

I didn't really want you
But I need you
Was so foolish of me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue, want to scream out loud

I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so empty, in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
I want to rescue, want to scream out loud
You will always be mine

So, so sorry
Just come back for me now
So, so sorry
Just come back to me now
Or soon

I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Wanted to rescue, want to scream out loud

I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty, in me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
I want to rescue, want to scream out loud
That you will always be mine...

Sexy MoFu

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Hi

Well... let the grand experiment begin. I'm giving up Facebook for a month. (gasp)

The grandest purpose of which: to stop living my life online. And here I sit and blog again, irony withstanding.

I think I've found my voice again, although I can't promise it'll always make it's way to this medium.

This has been the most difficult winter of my life, and it seems fitting that on a sunny Sunday morning, waiting for the dog food to hydrate, pining for more sleep and smarting from a very lonely Saturday night, that I just start anew with this blog.

I've been off making friends online with the hopes that those connections would translate into real, living, breathing friendships... with mixed results. And I've learned that there's not much sense in amassing a large group of friends if they're only going to equate to a big bunch of pen-pals who communicate via the digital equivalent of cyber post-it notes. It's not meaningful enough for me, and I can honestly say I've never felt more isolated and alone. Chalk another one up to what I missed-out on in my youth. Luckily I think my learning curve is much shorter now. Let's hope.

Since I last blogged (faithfully) I've gone through a very tumultuous time in my personal life. I'm now seeing not one, but two therapists, to try and wrap my brain around my depression and where it comes from.... why it's so debilitating and how to step beyond it.

For those of you who might be worried, Ted and I are still together and I won't speak for him, but for all the hard times we've been through, I'm convinced that we can -and will- love each other unconditionally for the rest of our lives. That in itself is more than just a comfort, but a life-affirming fact that we have something very precious.

Anyhoo... my self-imposed silence is at an end I think.

And with that, a return to tradition: if you haven't picked-up "Detours" the new Sheryl Crow album... do so... post haste!

Love Is All There Is

Everyone is talking about me
How my heart is broken
But they don’t see

When you’re lonely inside
The world looks so carefree
When you’re lonely inside
You just can’t see

Does anybody want you
Does anybody need you
The question is
Does anybody want you
Does anybody need you
The question is
All I really know for certain, babe
Is that Love Is All There Is

Every now and then
There comes a time
Someone comes along
to change your mind

You believe it’s unwise
To give in to careless dreams
You believe it’s a prize
You’ll never win

Does anybody want you
Does anybody need you
The question is
Does anybody want you
Does anybody need you
The question is
All I really know for certain, babe
Is that Love Is All There Is

You believe it’s unwise
To give in to careless dreams
If you don’t see that is why
You will never know

Does anybody want you
Does anybody need you
The question is
Does anybody want you
Does anybody need you
The question is
All I really know for certain, babe
Is that Love Is All There Is

June 29th: the Day I Blogged About Nothing

It would figure y'know. It's Friday. The day before the long weekend. Our office is closing at 4pm. I have nothing terribly pressing to work on. But can't think of much to blog about either.

I could talk about Eak's birthday coming up on the 4th, and the really cool present I got for him, but I can't say what it is y'know. We are going for some DELICIOUS Thai food to celebrate. It's difficult to get attendees for his birthday gatherings though, being so close to the first significant long-weekend of the summer n'all. So far we've got 6 friends coming, which is less than half of who was invited, but oh well. I'm sure it will be a good time regardless of numbers... everybody loves Eak. Seriously. I know I wouldn't ordinarily know if anyone didn't, but Eak's one of those people that others can't help but like instantly. (and not just because I'm biased) Poor guy's sick right now though. :( Nothing worse than a cold in the summer.

Well, until inspiration hits me... I think I'll just go Facebook for a while to bide my time. Did you know that "Facebook" is a verb now?? Yeah, just as of this moment. God I hate Facebook. I'm thinking of closing my account now that I've reconnected with a bunch of people. It's good for that if nothing else.

Anyhoo... happy Canada Day to you n'yours. Take a moment to appreciate being a Canadian eh?


Chicane "Don't Give Up"

Don't worry if the sun don't shine
You've seen it before, you don't need to worry
Everyday's an uphill climb - nothing has changed
Believe me when i tell ya

Don't give it up - Don't give it up...

Don't give up - ya know it's true
Gotta do what you wanna do
Don't give up - you don't have to
Gotta do what you wanna do
don't give up - ya know it's true
gotta do what you wanna do