One of the problems with telling tales about real people in your life, is remembering the "nick-names" you give them. Since typing this sentence I've gone back and found the name I gave to Poppycock's lovely man: ..."Meaty". It makes me snicker a little as to why I call him that. I'll just say it revolves around his penchant for testicles and let your imagination do the rest.
I needed to remember because I'm going over to their place tonight for dinner and Meaty's cutting my hair, so I look all nice-nice for my niece's wedding next week in Punta Cana. A beach vacation sounds sooo good right now. I can't properly express my longing for a week of sun, water, heat and nothing to do.
Today was Poppycock's Canadian Citizenship ceremony. I was up bright and early, holding up my right hand and swearing my commitment to Canada and the queen right along with him. Momentous day. I could have done without the judge blathering on about Venezuelan goat cheese, but "Hey"... she's a judge. She can talk about what she pleases. And "no", I'm not making that up. It's out of context obviously, but it was no less a topic of her "greeting/story" to the new Canadians in the room.
Friday night I hung out with Marty. She and Fucktard (that's not me being mean; it's his honest-to-goodness, affectionate nickname) have broken-up again. We had a very long, very heartfelt conversation. I think she appreciates that I listen, but I think I prompt conversation that goes a little darker and sadder than people want to venture. *sigh*
They've been together for more than 2 years now. They've built a house that's almost ready for them to move into. And they've suffered and suffered and suffered a really volatile relationship. Y'know one of those relationships in the movies that every one of a girls friends would tell her to cut and run? Well, I'm not one of those friends in the sense that I know you have to let your emotions run their course. (Look at me and Scooter for fuck's sake.) But I also know she's not really happy, and I lightly, ever-so-gently, acknowledge this with her. She's not unaware. There's just a lot of factors to consider.
Marty and I didn't spend the "entire" evening talking gloom. After I shared my woes, we watched 2 episodes of BBC's "Life" (narrated by Oprah). And when she started falling asleep, I said my good byes and was home by about 2am.
Saturday I was determined to go clothing shopping for formal beach attire that won't make me look like a homeless person or a dreadfully overdressed person when I give my niece away at her wedding. There was a lot of snow Saturday morning, I was lazy and horny and I hate clothing shopping - so, I procrastinated the endeavor well into the late afternoon. But since I needed clothes, I did eventually go. And I'm pleased with the boring pants I picked-up for the occasion. I needed boring pants. Doesn't everyone?
More pleasing, were the sexy athletic long-sleeved shirts I bought for volleyball and football. The strategic striping makes me look like my chest is massive. Me likey! I bought 3 of them for 45 dollars. (total) Which pleases me more.
After the shopping, I met up with Poppycock and we went to the new restaurant that Meaty now works for. PC paid for dinner for my birthday, and we kinda had a somber meal together. It was the first time we'd spoken since last weekend, (we had a scrap) so it was a little awkward. Fights will do that. But I think we were ok at that point.
Sunday, I went for dinner with Eak and used my gift certificate for The Keg that my mother gave me for my birthday. We had a nice meal and then went back to his place to hang out. I got a hero's welcome from the dogs and Eak and I just talked and played cards and listened to the new Kanye West album. I brought a joint with me, so we smoked that, and I have to admit I got a little lost in my own head.
There are still times when I'm around Eak that I just want to throw my arms around him and cry and tell him how much I miss him, and that I wish things could be the way they were before. Times when I miss him so badly because he knows me and loves me.
But that's just the loneliness talking... and the weed... and the nostalgia. We've both moved on, and I wouldn't muddy the waters like that, because I want him in my life, and I know that I don't want him to be my "partner" anymore. I just mourn him a little still. He was my best friend and now he's not. We may get back there some day. But not if I express any doubt in the roles we're developing in each others lives. Truthfully, I don't want him back the way we were. I just got to thinking sadly that many people give a relationship a second chance, and we're just not going to. Luckily, I don't think he wants that, but if he "did", there's nobody who deserves a second chance more than him.
I'm talking all of this sentiment for no good reason. He told me yesterday that he and his boyfriend are moving in together February 1st. There isn't a pang of jealousy or regret in me. So I know that everything is how it should be. Eak's going to be saving $400 a month, which will be good for the dogs, and for his debt. I honestly couldn't be happier for him. My lapse was just self-pity and THC.
For all my visiting this past weekend, I still feel like I've been spending a lot of time alone. But... I'm feeling good about it for the first time since I was single (before Eak) in my early twenties. As I was telling Marty on Friday night, I'm not certain there's anybody for me now. I've grown really wary of letting anyone get close for one thing, and as I've mentioned in here before... I'm a ghost/angel/alien. Who's going to be like me? Better yet... who's going to put up with my identity crisis? I'm better off dating myself for a good long time. The sex sucks, but no one can hurt me.
And sometimes in the time it takes to construct an entry, your plans change entirely. Meaty got called into work, so I'm headed home for a Skype session with Lion. No dinner. No hair cut. Just a chat with someone who "would" have sex with me were it not for the intercontinental boundary of an ocean. Pesky thing, that.
Kanye West - Hell of a Life
I think I just fell in love with a porn star
Turn the camera on, she a born star
Turn the corners in a foreign car
Call the coroners do the CPR
She gave that old nigga a ulcer
Her bitter sweet taste made his gold teeth fake, uh
Make her knees shake, make a priest faint, uh
Make a nun cum, make her cremate, uh
Move downtown, cop a sweet space, uh
Livin’ life like we won the sweepstakes, what!
We headin’ to hell for heaven’s sake, Huh!
Well I’mma levitate, make the devil wait, Yeah!
[Chorus]
Have you lost your mind?
Tell me when you think we crossed the line
No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need
Grab my hand and baby we’ll live a hell of a life
Never in your wildest dreams, never in your wildest dreams
In your wildest
You could hear the loudest screams, comin’ from inside the screen
You a wild bitch
Tell me what I gotta do to be that guy
Said her price go down, she ever fuck a black guy
Or do anal, or do a gangbang
It’s kinda crazy that’s all considered the same thing
Well I guess alotta niggas do gang bang
And if we run trains, we all in the same gang
Runaway slaves all on a chain gang
Bang bang bang bang bang
[Chorus]
Have you lost your mind?
Tell me when you think we crossed the line
No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need
Grab my hand and baby we’ll live a hell of a life
One day I’m gon’ marry a porn star
We’ll have a big ass crib and a long yard
We’ll have a mansion and some fly maids
Nothin’ to hide, we both screwed the bride’s maid
She wanna role play, ‘til I roll over
I’mma need a whole day, at least rolled doja
What party is we goin’ to on Oscar day
‘Specially if she can’t get that dress from Oscar de
La Renta, they wouldn’t rent her they couldn’t take the shame
Snatched the dress off her back and told her, “Get away.”
How could you say they live they life wrong?
When you never fuck with the lights on
[Chorus]
Have you lost your mind?
Tell me when you think we crossed the line
No more drugs for me, pussy and religion is all I need
Grab my hand and baby we’ll live a hell of a life
[Outro]
I think I fell in love with a porn star
And got married in a bathroom
Honeymoon on the dance floor
And got divorced by the end of the night
That’s one hell of a life
Monday, January 17, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
January 13th 1992
Today's a pretty poignant day for me. I got thinking about it last night. This is the 19th anniversary of my dad's death and I had just turned 19 at the time. I now proceed in life having lived longer without my father than the time I had with him.
I can't even fathom how this much time has passed, but that's what time does. It's kind of nice at this point because seldom do I ever think of my father without fondness, and I know I didn't always when I was younger.
Last weekend I had some friends over to play crokinole. It was a game my father and his brother taught me, and that my family played mercilessly. Sharing it with friends was a really great way to remember my dad with a lot of love. He never, EVER let me win. It made me a good player at a very young age.
You were loved Harv.
(Hee Haw reminds me of him, big time.)
I can't even fathom how this much time has passed, but that's what time does. It's kind of nice at this point because seldom do I ever think of my father without fondness, and I know I didn't always when I was younger.
Last weekend I had some friends over to play crokinole. It was a game my father and his brother taught me, and that my family played mercilessly. Sharing it with friends was a really great way to remember my dad with a lot of love. He never, EVER let me win. It made me a good player at a very young age.
You were loved Harv.
(Hee Haw reminds me of him, big time.)
Archie Campbell/Buck Owens/Hee Haw
Down here on the farm the weather gets messy
Laying around with nothin' to do
When you went away, you took my cow Bessie
I miss her darling, more than I miss you
You took off your leg, your wig and your eye glass
And you shoud've seen the look on my face
I wanted to kiss, I wanted to hug you
But you were scattered all over the place
Chorus:
Where, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone.
I know that you loved me, here's my way of knowing
The proofs hanging out right there on the line
When I see the snow and feel the wind blowing
Your nighties hugging them long johns of mine
The noises you made at our supper table
Your habits, my dear, were surely absurd
But how many times do I have to tell you
Soup is a dish to be seen and not heard
Chorus:
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone.
Remember you phoned me a-sobbin' and cryin'
The dog bit your maw, and drug her around
You said she looked pale and thought she was dying
I said "Don't worry, I'll buy a new hound."
I had six kids and you had eleven
And we had a boy, and they grew like flowers
I wish you'd come back, without you ain't heaven
'Cause your kids and my kids are beatin' up ours
Chorus:
Where, oh where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone
I searched the world over,
And thought I found true love.
You met another and
Phht! you were gone...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
6 am in Toronto, 12pm in Madrid
I'm up really early because I got to Skype with Lion (in Spain). : ) Only for a few minutes though. He had to run, but he really wanted to see me with no beard. He says I look good, but he's biased.
I miss him.
It's always nice to see him when it's 6am for me and noon for him, because he's full of energy and that's the Lion I remember. Happy and feisty and cute. Nobody loves me like him. Nobody ever has. He puts a perma-grin on my face.
Back to bed though for half an hour if I can even sleep at this point.
....and oh yeah... ...I just saw this story... we're doomed.
I miss him.
It's always nice to see him when it's 6am for me and noon for him, because he's full of energy and that's the Lion I remember. Happy and feisty and cute. Nobody loves me like him. Nobody ever has. He puts a perma-grin on my face.
Back to bed though for half an hour if I can even sleep at this point.
....and oh yeah... ...I just saw this story... we're doomed.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Stick Your Fingers Down Your Humility
I think I should stop blogging. I'm leaving signs of my insanity on the internet.
Hmmmmm.
When I'm emotional, I should go nowhere near the internet so as not to cause others to vomit.
Yes.
...Or myself to vomit at a later date when I'm feeling relatively fine but decide to go back over my previous works of 'genius' that I write here.
Like tonight. ...'Feeling fine, then I read about how devastatingly sad and excommunicated I feel from the world, and I barf.
Or, my ego barfs.
Since it's figurative and I haven't had to physically clean anything up in slimy chunks from the floor, I'll say my humility barfs. How 'bout that?
Hmmmmm.
When I'm emotional, I should go nowhere near the internet so as not to cause others to vomit.
Yes.
...Or myself to vomit at a later date when I'm feeling relatively fine but decide to go back over my previous works of 'genius' that I write here.
Like tonight. ...'Feeling fine, then I read about how devastatingly sad and excommunicated I feel from the world, and I barf.
Or, my ego barfs.
Since it's figurative and I haven't had to physically clean anything up in slimy chunks from the floor, I'll say my humility barfs. How 'bout that?
Whole Lotta Naked
The birthday weekend is at it's end. I can't remember at the moment whether I mentioned what my intentions were for the actual day, but I thought I'd be different and invite my friends to a strip club. It was only the second time in my life I've ever been.
Hardly anyone came, which in retrospect is probably a good thing. I didn't know what to expect, but... at any rate, I bought myself a lap-dance with a very beautiful black man, who told me I was the first handsome birthday boy he'd ever performed for.
I suspect he says that to all the birthday boys. But he was all up in my business, telling me how good I smell, and asking me if I was single, and why I was single... He was absolutely, stunningly, gorgeous. I was really surprised that he kissed me. Do strippers generally kiss people? Is that a faux-pas? He asked me to come back too. (I realize that's no big surprise.) I broke his heart when I told him I was an Atheist though. lol Poor poor christian stripper with the smokin' hot body. His life is probably a helluva lot happier than mine.
Peachy and Puppy (and Puppy's friend) (the only friends who went to the strip club.) were grilling me when I came out, only for me to discover just how gentle and tame I am - and how pristine and polite my actual lap dance was. Maybe that's why he kissed me. He thought I was there to ask him on a date. *sigh* I choose to be amused by this, because I can't be anybody else. I treated him like a human being. No shame.
In other not-so-exciting news, I shaved my beard off.
BIG mistake.
It's growing back as I blog. I've never felt so naked, or quite so homely. It's the first time in about 14 years though. Weird feeling. It felt so smooth, I wished I could kiss someone for a while. That would've been nice.
: )
My co-workers are in agreement that it's not a flattering look. I gather this by the polite lack of comments. I knew immediately after I'd done it that I was going to let it grow back. But at 38, with all the grey taking over my face, I thought I'd give it a try and see if I recognized the guy in the mirror without the furry mask. Turns out he's just naked without it. Not youthful, not hiding something more handsome.... just naked. Put some clothes on that mug.
Song of the day, something random that my iPod graced me with yesterday on the subway. Made me think of Scooter. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Kelis - Trick Me
Said I've paid all my dues for that I've done
And I showed you that I loved you more than once
There's nothing left there to decide
Said you, might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Freedom to us has always been a trick
Freedom to you has always been who ever landed on your dick
Seen it in you one to many times
Said you might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
Those days are old and overdone
And it's only cause I'm not with you that you make me number one
Though I may love you
I hurts me deep inside Oh
Now you no longer have to hide
I used to be down with the late night hit
Started gettin' heavy when I really wasn't ready
Used my class to get in my mind
So I fell for your lies like all the time
I thought you were the shit to be playin' around
Call the police there's a mad girl in town
Couldn't get even here without a sound
It's not how I wanna get down Yeah
You
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
And I've paid all my dues for what I've done
And I showed you that I loved you more than once
There's nothing left there to decide
Ooh Trick me I won't let your trick me twice
You might trick me once
No I won't let me trick you twice no
You might trick me once
No I won't let me trick you twice
Whoa!
Peace
Hardly anyone came, which in retrospect is probably a good thing. I didn't know what to expect, but... at any rate, I bought myself a lap-dance with a very beautiful black man, who told me I was the first handsome birthday boy he'd ever performed for.
I suspect he says that to all the birthday boys. But he was all up in my business, telling me how good I smell, and asking me if I was single, and why I was single... He was absolutely, stunningly, gorgeous. I was really surprised that he kissed me. Do strippers generally kiss people? Is that a faux-pas? He asked me to come back too. (I realize that's no big surprise.) I broke his heart when I told him I was an Atheist though. lol Poor poor christian stripper with the smokin' hot body. His life is probably a helluva lot happier than mine.
Peachy and Puppy (and Puppy's friend) (the only friends who went to the strip club.) were grilling me when I came out, only for me to discover just how gentle and tame I am - and how pristine and polite my actual lap dance was. Maybe that's why he kissed me. He thought I was there to ask him on a date. *sigh* I choose to be amused by this, because I can't be anybody else. I treated him like a human being. No shame.
In other not-so-exciting news, I shaved my beard off.
BIG mistake.
It's growing back as I blog. I've never felt so naked, or quite so homely. It's the first time in about 14 years though. Weird feeling. It felt so smooth, I wished I could kiss someone for a while. That would've been nice.
: )
My co-workers are in agreement that it's not a flattering look. I gather this by the polite lack of comments. I knew immediately after I'd done it that I was going to let it grow back. But at 38, with all the grey taking over my face, I thought I'd give it a try and see if I recognized the guy in the mirror without the furry mask. Turns out he's just naked without it. Not youthful, not hiding something more handsome.... just naked. Put some clothes on that mug.
Song of the day, something random that my iPod graced me with yesterday on the subway. Made me think of Scooter. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
Kelis - Trick Me
Said I've paid all my dues for that I've done
And I showed you that I loved you more than once
There's nothing left there to decide
Said you, might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Freedom to us has always been a trick
Freedom to you has always been who ever landed on your dick
Seen it in you one to many times
Said you might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
Those days are old and overdone
And it's only cause I'm not with you that you make me number one
Though I may love you
I hurts me deep inside Oh
Now you no longer have to hide
I used to be down with the late night hit
Started gettin' heavy when I really wasn't ready
Used my class to get in my mind
So I fell for your lies like all the time
I thought you were the shit to be playin' around
Call the police there's a mad girl in town
Couldn't get even here without a sound
It's not how I wanna get down Yeah
You
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice no
Might trick me once
I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
No I won't let you trick me twice
And I've paid all my dues for what I've done
And I showed you that I loved you more than once
There's nothing left there to decide
Ooh Trick me I won't let your trick me twice
You might trick me once
No I won't let me trick you twice no
You might trick me once
No I won't let me trick you twice
Whoa!
Peace
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Happy Birthday Idiot
Hey!
It's the last day of being 37 for me. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've been so consumed by other things and feeling insane, that my life has been passing me by actually.
Tomorrow and Friday I'm off work, partially because I want to party for my birthday, partially because I have 2 remaining holidays for 2010 that I have to burn off before the work upheaval, and partially because the holidays have made me lazy and I want to have extra days to stay in bed. A four-day weekend for my birthday after a 2-day work week sounds pretty good to me. Though it's doing nothing for my ability to get up early and start plodding away at my exercise regime again.
Speaking of exercise... In addition to volleyball starting up again shortly, I've also taken steps to sign-up to play football this spring/summer. The season starts in May. It's flag football, not tackle, but still... lots of running and physical activity to keep me active and sorta social. I say "sorta" because, speaking strictly from my volleyball experience, team sports are great for making you feel like you're part of something, but not necessarily for making friends. In my current mental state it suits me just fine though. I don't have energy for the friends I have, much-less for anyone new. ...Not a very sun-shiny disposition for someone so close to his birthday, but honesty is my thing.
Anyhow... a few random things... my friend Kujo and his husband are in India, welcoming their new baby boy into their lives. I got an e-mail with a picture of the 3 of them together over the weekend. We exchanged niceties and I congratulated them with the ever-so-slight edge of envy. Not that I want a baby. (I don't think so anyway.) But I guess it's "human" to see other peoples lives so filled with things they seemingly want, and wish I wanted something bad enough to get it. I am genuinely happy for them. It's going to do Kujo a world of good to create a loving and supportive home for his son, that won't include the conditioning or conditions of his own Islamic upbringing. Right now I can't even imagine being over Scooter long enough to find someone else to love and be with, and marry and try all the domesticities that Eak and I failed so miserably at, much-less add the care of another human being into the mix. Fuck... I don't even want another pet.
For that matter, as lonely as I am, I don't even want another man. I'm so shredded it's not funny. It's going to take a long while. The way I see it, I've got a long period ahead of me before Scooter realizes that I'm not coming back, then his attempt to show me he wants me in his life again.
I've spent the past few days writing yet another fucking letter, telling him I'm done, but I can't decide whether to send it or not. So much of what I feel for him is "protective". I feel like a tremendous failure to tell him "you're hurting me, and I can't let you anymore", and yet I know he doesn't want my support or intimacy because he's afraid of sending me mixed messages. Because all the physicality doesn't confuse me at all. (sarcasm) But the thing about Scooter is, he's got an incredible disconnect-ability when it comes to his body. He'll give you sex. It means very little. He is that damaged. And yet, it's through physicality that he seeks the spark that will lead to a lifelong love.
This letter I've painstakingly crafted and named "the grenade" has gone through many edits. Some of them loving, on the verge of apologetic for giving up, some of them angrily calling him on his shit and being harsh enough to raise his stupid Aries ire of superiority. All of them, wishing him well with great sincerity and bidding him good bye for good.
The potential for "the grenade" to become a "boomerang" is large. So I know if I send it, I must be prepared to stick with it and shut him out. Good bye, must mean good bye. I don't get angry enough at anyone I love to ever shut them out entirely. My anger though toothy, carries the clout of an angry Koala bear. Scooter knows I'll forgive him again, though I do think this time around he realizes how close I am to being hurt enough to say I can't do it anymore. Fuck... what makes me think I know anything he thinks. I'm a nut case.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
--Albert Einstein
I need to let go. And I don't need to tell him I'm letting go. I just know it's only a matter of time before he's back again. Which doesn't have to mean I'll accept him back. But I'd rather have closure and tell him to "stay gone". Though, as an idiot slash addict... the last thing in the world I want is him gone, and any attempt he makes to keep me around is going to make me feel gratified and wanted.
Fuck, am I REALLY, actually, honestly having this conversation with myself online for anyone to read on the eve of my 38th birthday, thereby signifying my adulthood as a man of almost 40, and simultaneously affirming my penchant for the rambling concerns of a 14 year old girl?
Are there not bigger concerns in my life? Yes. Yes there are.
This is not love. It's sickness. It's energy and devotion only deserving of reciprocal, healthy relationships... not this bleeding mess of a fuck-buddy obsession gone terribly awry, 2+ years after the one night stand that I didn't know how to have.
How can I possibly love him? I don't do I? Could anyone listen to me and tell me "yes, sometimes that's how love is right before it magically turns healthy"?
Ugh... Happy Birthday to me. Tomorrow is today, and I disgust myself.
"You're a Disaster" - Dragonette
You're a disaster
Does anything matter to you
Do you ever slow down
Touch your feet to the ground underneath
Faster and faster
Straight for disaster
You're a disaster
And it makes all the laughter look sad
So pull up your socks
Or crash into the rocks you're headed for
What are you after if not disaster
Oh if your mind, oh if your mind needs so much alteration
You better find, you better find another medication
The one that you're using is bruising you
If you're fine, oh if your fine and I am just mistaken
You'll walk the line, you'll walk the line
You'll walk right off the deep end
You'll run into something to ruin you
Aah aah aah aah aah aah aah aah
Yeah the outlook is grim, and the shape that you're in is diminishing
How long can you last for
Before disaster
Oh if your mind, oh if your mind needs so much alteration
You better find, you better find another medication
If you're fine, oh if your fine and I am just mistaken
You'll walk the line, you'll walk the line
You'll walk right off the deep end
You'll run into something to ruin you
Oh if your mind, oh if your mind needs so much alteration (Aah)
You better find, you better find another medication (Aah)
If you're fine, oh if your fine and I am just mistaken (Aah)
You'll walk the line, you'll walk the line
You'll walk right off the deep end
You'll run into something to ruin you
Something to ruin you
Something to ruin you
It's the last day of being 37 for me. And I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've been so consumed by other things and feeling insane, that my life has been passing me by actually.
Tomorrow and Friday I'm off work, partially because I want to party for my birthday, partially because I have 2 remaining holidays for 2010 that I have to burn off before the work upheaval, and partially because the holidays have made me lazy and I want to have extra days to stay in bed. A four-day weekend for my birthday after a 2-day work week sounds pretty good to me. Though it's doing nothing for my ability to get up early and start plodding away at my exercise regime again.
Speaking of exercise... In addition to volleyball starting up again shortly, I've also taken steps to sign-up to play football this spring/summer. The season starts in May. It's flag football, not tackle, but still... lots of running and physical activity to keep me active and sorta social. I say "sorta" because, speaking strictly from my volleyball experience, team sports are great for making you feel like you're part of something, but not necessarily for making friends. In my current mental state it suits me just fine though. I don't have energy for the friends I have, much-less for anyone new. ...Not a very sun-shiny disposition for someone so close to his birthday, but honesty is my thing.
Anyhow... a few random things... my friend Kujo and his husband are in India, welcoming their new baby boy into their lives. I got an e-mail with a picture of the 3 of them together over the weekend. We exchanged niceties and I congratulated them with the ever-so-slight edge of envy. Not that I want a baby. (I don't think so anyway.) But I guess it's "human" to see other peoples lives so filled with things they seemingly want, and wish I wanted something bad enough to get it. I am genuinely happy for them. It's going to do Kujo a world of good to create a loving and supportive home for his son, that won't include the conditioning or conditions of his own Islamic upbringing. Right now I can't even imagine being over Scooter long enough to find someone else to love and be with, and marry and try all the domesticities that Eak and I failed so miserably at, much-less add the care of another human being into the mix. Fuck... I don't even want another pet.
For that matter, as lonely as I am, I don't even want another man. I'm so shredded it's not funny. It's going to take a long while. The way I see it, I've got a long period ahead of me before Scooter realizes that I'm not coming back, then his attempt to show me he wants me in his life again.
I've spent the past few days writing yet another fucking letter, telling him I'm done, but I can't decide whether to send it or not. So much of what I feel for him is "protective". I feel like a tremendous failure to tell him "you're hurting me, and I can't let you anymore", and yet I know he doesn't want my support or intimacy because he's afraid of sending me mixed messages. Because all the physicality doesn't confuse me at all. (sarcasm) But the thing about Scooter is, he's got an incredible disconnect-ability when it comes to his body. He'll give you sex. It means very little. He is that damaged. And yet, it's through physicality that he seeks the spark that will lead to a lifelong love.
This letter I've painstakingly crafted and named "the grenade" has gone through many edits. Some of them loving, on the verge of apologetic for giving up, some of them angrily calling him on his shit and being harsh enough to raise his stupid Aries ire of superiority. All of them, wishing him well with great sincerity and bidding him good bye for good.
The potential for "the grenade" to become a "boomerang" is large. So I know if I send it, I must be prepared to stick with it and shut him out. Good bye, must mean good bye. I don't get angry enough at anyone I love to ever shut them out entirely. My anger though toothy, carries the clout of an angry Koala bear. Scooter knows I'll forgive him again, though I do think this time around he realizes how close I am to being hurt enough to say I can't do it anymore. Fuck... what makes me think I know anything he thinks. I'm a nut case.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
--Albert Einstein
I need to let go. And I don't need to tell him I'm letting go. I just know it's only a matter of time before he's back again. Which doesn't have to mean I'll accept him back. But I'd rather have closure and tell him to "stay gone". Though, as an idiot slash addict... the last thing in the world I want is him gone, and any attempt he makes to keep me around is going to make me feel gratified and wanted.
Fuck, am I REALLY, actually, honestly having this conversation with myself online for anyone to read on the eve of my 38th birthday, thereby signifying my adulthood as a man of almost 40, and simultaneously affirming my penchant for the rambling concerns of a 14 year old girl?
Are there not bigger concerns in my life? Yes. Yes there are.
This is not love. It's sickness. It's energy and devotion only deserving of reciprocal, healthy relationships... not this bleeding mess of a fuck-buddy obsession gone terribly awry, 2+ years after the one night stand that I didn't know how to have.
How can I possibly love him? I don't do I? Could anyone listen to me and tell me "yes, sometimes that's how love is right before it magically turns healthy"?
Ugh... Happy Birthday to me. Tomorrow is today, and I disgust myself.
"You're a Disaster" - Dragonette
You're a disaster
Does anything matter to you
Do you ever slow down
Touch your feet to the ground underneath
Faster and faster
Straight for disaster
You're a disaster
And it makes all the laughter look sad
So pull up your socks
Or crash into the rocks you're headed for
What are you after if not disaster
Oh if your mind, oh if your mind needs so much alteration
You better find, you better find another medication
The one that you're using is bruising you
If you're fine, oh if your fine and I am just mistaken
You'll walk the line, you'll walk the line
You'll walk right off the deep end
You'll run into something to ruin you
Aah aah aah aah aah aah aah aah
Yeah the outlook is grim, and the shape that you're in is diminishing
How long can you last for
Before disaster
Oh if your mind, oh if your mind needs so much alteration
You better find, you better find another medication
If you're fine, oh if your fine and I am just mistaken
You'll walk the line, you'll walk the line
You'll walk right off the deep end
You'll run into something to ruin you
Oh if your mind, oh if your mind needs so much alteration (Aah)
You better find, you better find another medication (Aah)
If you're fine, oh if your fine and I am just mistaken (Aah)
You'll walk the line, you'll walk the line
You'll walk right off the deep end
You'll run into something to ruin you
Something to ruin you
Something to ruin you
Friday, December 31, 2010
At Year's End
Last day of 2010. It feels like it just got here and it's gone.
Poppycock asked me last night what my greatest impression of the year was. I said it was a year of growth and learning. I'm in a stage of my life where I'm either going to continue to change significantly and be more willing to be happy, or I'm going to languish in stagnant behaviour and be an increasingly miserable person. ...I think not.
My birthday is coming. Next week. I'm going to be 38, and it never ceases to amaze me how each approaching birthday comes with the triumph of defeating some previous neurosis that means nothing now, and new tawdry concerns that do a dance in the corner until the day passes and I realize I'm older, wiser, and simultaneously not as old as I feel or as wise as I think I am. Hopefully that's genuine evolution and not just running on the hamster wheel.
Final song of the day spits in the face of that wisdom. It's a song for Scooter. The insanity in my life. We're on another indeterminate break. I can't go back. And yet I know he's not gone. We're not done. I can't be the one to ask for anything more, and my nature will never see me turn him away. It's neither good nor bad. It's merely the narrative between us. There's nothing I can do but stay away. Loving anyone is insanity. If we were wise we'd keep our distance from everyone, and yet the ultimate foolishness is isolation for the sake of fear.
For now... I let everything be. I have no control.
Happy New Year!
Shayne Ward - Obsession
Baby baby what can I do? I need to know that I belong
Poppycock asked me last night what my greatest impression of the year was. I said it was a year of growth and learning. I'm in a stage of my life where I'm either going to continue to change significantly and be more willing to be happy, or I'm going to languish in stagnant behaviour and be an increasingly miserable person. ...I think not.
My birthday is coming. Next week. I'm going to be 38, and it never ceases to amaze me how each approaching birthday comes with the triumph of defeating some previous neurosis that means nothing now, and new tawdry concerns that do a dance in the corner until the day passes and I realize I'm older, wiser, and simultaneously not as old as I feel or as wise as I think I am. Hopefully that's genuine evolution and not just running on the hamster wheel.
Final song of the day spits in the face of that wisdom. It's a song for Scooter. The insanity in my life. We're on another indeterminate break. I can't go back. And yet I know he's not gone. We're not done. I can't be the one to ask for anything more, and my nature will never see me turn him away. It's neither good nor bad. It's merely the narrative between us. There's nothing I can do but stay away. Loving anyone is insanity. If we were wise we'd keep our distance from everyone, and yet the ultimate foolishness is isolation for the sake of fear.
For now... I let everything be. I have no control.
Happy New Year!
Shayne Ward - Obsession
Baby baby what can I do? I need to know that I belong
Teacher be concerned
I want it so bad right now it hurts
Teacher be concerned
I don’t think my lesson’s been learned
Cause I... I’m more than in love
Baby I’m in obsession
I... I’m more than in love
Baby I’m in obsession
Baby this ain’t love
It’s obsession
Baby this ain’t love
It’s obsession
’session
’session
’session
’session
Cause I... I’m more than in love
Baby I’m in obsession
I... I’m more than in love
Baby I’m in obsession
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