Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Be Here Now

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned "Dr Truth" in this particular blog. I think I've written about him elsewhere, but at any rate, he's my therapist. I meet with him every 2 weeks or so, and I've been seeing him for about 3 years or more now.

Only in recent months have I felt like I'm actually exploring useful territory with him. For the longest time I thought he was a pretty cold fish. Not very emotional and certainly not as empathetic as I'd like, but he chose his career path for some reason, and because I can't afford to choose my own therapist, he'll do.
But as I said, in recent months, I've really felt like I've had nothing to lose and things to gain from just pouring my heart out to him. Why not? He gets paid to listen to me, and really, no one else in my life hears the things he hears, because I'm a ghost. Meaning, people don't know nearly as much as they think they do, and I feel quite invisible most of the time.

Today I was talking to him about how different I feel I am. And how lonely I am. And how much I miss being touched and held and hugged.

He told me perhaps it's time to start dating.

It's the first time he's ever suggested it.

Most of the time over the past few years, he's been on the side of me taking time for myself and working on my issues and removing the complications - and remaining single. Lo and behold, all it took was 4-plus months of keeping to myself for him to change his tune. And his say-so wouldn't really deter me from dating if I wanted to, so I'm kind of inclined to not let it be an encouragement to begin again at this point when I really don't think I've spent enough time alone.

How do I know?

I figure it'll be time when I don't mind being alone anymore. That is not now. 'Cause truthfully, I don't want to be alone.

I miss Lion. I know now, he's not the one for me, but he's the closest I've ever come to being happy with a romance. Had Scooter not been ever-present in my mind while Lion was in my life, I might be writing this blog from Madrid. But things are as they are, and I still need to get over Scooter, and if Lion were the love of my life things would have turned out differently.

He was a sweet, sweet, picture-perfect romance to remember when I'm withered and old.

The affections and attentions of a 24 year old Spanish boy were mine for a time.

*sigh* I'll be Skyping with Lion tomorrow morning at 6am. It'll be noon in Madrid. We still talk a lot. I miss him. He's always going to have a place in my heart. I love to hear his voice.

I miss him singing to me off-key. I remember some humid days laying on his bed in his little apartment with him on top of me singing and speaking Spanish lyrics in my ear while he played me songs he loved.

Lion is a terrible singer. He knows it too. But he knows all the words, and he always has a song in his heart, so it makes his singing a very joyous and enjoyable thing. He doesn't really sing to me over Skype.

I love to watch him. I miss hearing him speak Spanish and watching his lips move unintelligibly to the beautiful sounds that came from his mouth.

Anyhow... enough reminiscing for today. At least thinking about Lion is more fun than recounting my visit with Dr Truth.

Song of the day, a song I've taken some solace in. It's gorgeous.

Be Here Now - Ray LaMontagne

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

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