I'm Like This Sometimes

I got the letter "from me" "to me" in the mail today. And an interesting thing happened: I typed it out to share, and then realized it truly was just for me. There was something very affirming about the process and the decision.

If I had to give it a name, I'd say self-sanctity.

Sorry, not much for blogging fodder, but something I can look back on some day.

Nothing worse than telling someone about a surprise and then never revealing what it is. Nasty goat bastard that I am.

I'm feeling really cerebral today, and I know how boring that is. But I don't really have any readers, which makes this for me. 'Kinda nice.

I wrote something on July 24th of this year, that I'm going to share instead... it's from the "Pink Notebook". I'm not mentioning real names of course... so that may detract from the heartfelt nature of the words. Hopefully one can imagine full, given names substituted for the privately assigned nicknames.

July 24, 2010

No one in this life has loved me the was "Lion" has. May I keep him close and show him nothing but love in my days. Even as I explore love and reconcile love.

May there never be any doubt in my heart that I have loved three men deeply... "Eak", "Scooter", and "Lion".

Each of them have pieces of me known by no other men.

Each of them occupy my soul and being with the purity of wanting what is best for them and to know them the rest of my days. To forgive and be forgiven, to tread with courage to be vulnerable, and the willfulness to do them no intentional harm through life's inevitable transgressions.

.....

It's so singularly meaningful to only me, even now. Perhaps especially now. But I feel blessed to love the way I do and not know any other way to feel about them. I want to know them and love them and give them myself. Maybe one day there will be another name to add to that list with whom the chemistry will be mirrored and perfect. Thus far something has always been just out of reach.

My heart's a vast place. My head's a black hole. Disparaging things could be said, but not by me anymore.