Necessities for January

First post of 2007 and I swear it won't be about flatulence. Although the mere "promise" to not make it about flatulence, has suddenly made it about flatulence, but I will move on from here.

Yeah...

So there are two things I want to get accomplished before the end of January. Call them resolutions if you please, but I'm starting to think of them as necessity rather than any kind of standard resolution and the fact that it's January and a new year doesn't have as much bearing on my need to get this done as the fact that it's my birthday in 2 days and I feel like I need to get my shit together. At any rate these 2 things are: 1. I will tell my mother I am gay. and 2. I will get a voice demo together for audition purposes and the aforementioned freelance work I hope to drum up this year.

Ask me which one I'm looking forward to more?

Yes it has become a necessity for me to tell my mother I'm gay. I've been consumed with the whole sordid idea for about 2 to 3 years now and I've spent way more time than that distancing myself from my family because of it. I'd say about 13 years or so to be honest.

You see, when I was young (11) and realized that I was gay, one of the first people I told was my mother. Puzzling, no? ...Well at that time, she instructed me that it was a phase that almost everyone goes through, but essentially if I prayed about it, it would go away with God's help. Luckily there were no "internment re-programming camps" at the time (or at least none she knew of or could afford) or I most-assuredly would have ended up at one. And luckily also, my mom was about as comfortable talking about sex as she is talking about astrophysics, so it didn't come up a lot much after that. But throughout my life she has made it abundantly clear that both she and God, hate homosexuals. (Yes, I know God doesn't truly.) Thus, from that time forward I slowly came to the conclusion that I couldn't talk to her about much, and by about the age of 16 I stopped talking to her about anything of any substance altogether.

My mom has spent all of these years burying her head in the sand and convincing herself that I'm not gay. To my crimes; you can add the detail that I've only ever given her an abridged version of what she wanted to hear, without actually "saying" I'm not gay. Nonetheless, the original plan I had when I was younger: "to just keep it to myself until she dies"... has begun to eat away at me. Namely because I've found I really do desire a "real" relationship with my only living parent, and I'm an honest person. There's no honesty to my relationship with my mom, so there's really no relationship. And she wants to have one but right now I'm the villain. The distant son who never calls, never writes and never visits. That's not to say "she thinks I'm the villain" but I do. For years, I've kept it to myself because I've always felt she'd be unable to cope with it, or worse: that I'd have to cope with her knowing. But it's time to just get everything out in the open, and if I have to walk away from her because of it, then so be it. It won't be because I don't love her.

This March 21st will mark 11 years that Ted and I have been together. Ironically and tragically, my mother really likes Ted. She buys him Christmas presents every year and she's aware that we've moved together "TWICE" from city to city. She's also aware that our first 2 apartments were one bedroom units. That kind of denial takes a lot of fuel. Fuel like asking me every now and again if I have a girl friend I'm not telling her about. Fuel like wondering aloud to me where everyone sleeps when Ted's sister and her kids come to visit. It's exhausting. And furthermore it's just really sad. I'm an adult, and it's time for me to either embrace her or walk away completely.

I know it sounds dire and probably more dramatic than what it seems it could possibly be, but you have to understand that my mom ranks homosexuality right up there with the greatest evils in the world. She makes no bones about making her opinions known either. 2 of several examples: when I was still living at home, she and her equally fanatical friend Pauline, would stage protests at any conference or "gay" related gathering or event in Kingston, (that, I can live with. She's entitled to her opinion) often subjecting themselves to a lot of ridicule, and nasty verbal retaliation, being spat on and the like... and most-notably, I remember overhearing her in the living room one day praying and crying (as she often did) and I wandered into the room to see her with hands planted firmly on the TV with a gay pride parade going on, crying out to God to strike them all down with AIDS. ...Yeah... nice. I confronted her immediately on it, (without telling her once again that her own son was gay) but there was no reasoning with her. Now in her defence, I don't think she'd still be praying like that now, and she's not a spiteful person. But she's given me ample reason to not want to tell her ever, so this decision of mine is a big deal.
Big enough for me to realize that I can't go on with things the way they are; with her being heart-broken that I essentially want little or nothing to do with her and she doesn't know why or at least "pretends" not to.

She was overjoyed that I went home to visit the family the Sunday before Christmas and we've had a couple of lengthy telephone conversations since then in which she's proclaimed that we're all (my sisters, myself and she) going to be a family again, a "close" family. That sounds good to me. It really does. But it can't happen without honesty and openness. I don't expect her to turn her back on a lifetime of beliefs and "accept" the fact that I'm gay. (I think that's beyond her abilities.) But I'm getting to the point where I can't shield her from it anymore and I don't think I should have to. Even if it's the most selfish thing I ever do.

And I realize that I'll have to endure a lot of crying and indignation and even some wrath, but I've spent too many years coming to terms with myself because of my family's spiritual expectations. I don't deserve the self-induced exile, and I do deserve to have my family love me for who I am.

Blah... sometimes it feels good to put your thoughts to words rather than listen to them from the confines of your own head. That's where I'm at on this topic, and now I'll let it rest for a while.
I know this has been a heavy entry, but I'm prone to them at times. Forgive me. -wink-

Don't Give Up (You Are Loved) - by Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When you're heart's heavy
I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you lost inside
I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up

Because you are loved
You are loved

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one is to be heard
You are loved