Tuesday, May 05, 2009

C.S.S. Rudderless: I Am Not My Expectations


My life is full of them.

The expectations I place on myself, and those I hold up to other people... daring them to live-up, or let-down. I try not to worry about the expectations I put on other people. Quite frankly, I keep the bar extremely low. But sadly, I keep that bar equally low for myself in that I don't seem to accomplish a whole lot.

I am in wheel-spinning mode. Not "down" or "depressed" per say, but certainly feeling "rudderless". I think that would be the name of my boat if my life were a boat... the C.S.S. Rudderless. Just kinda' driftin' around... following the same course without plotting a new one.

There's a course (of the educational variety) at Humber that I'd like to take, but upon inquiring, I've found I'm going to have to save up some cash, and won't be able to do so before the course start date of... Hey... It's tomorrow. Ahh well... the next time it's offered for sure. Oh, and the course itself is all about "Career Planning" and "Occupational Assessment"... perfect for someone like me. But then, leave it to me to need to take a course to find out which courses to take thereafter. *sigh*

Refusal to berate myself for it, is integral right now. That is my resolve: I will not beat myself up for not knowing what I want. I don't have to know what I want.

Even writing in my blog is undue pressure I put on myself I think. Not that I don't enjoy doing it. I just "feel bad" when I don't. What's that all about?

With this talk of expectations I think I would wish for a life free-enough that it wouldn't matter to me whether I have purpose or not. Free-enough to view life as a gift no matter what I'm doing, and free-enough to know that expectations should instead be "joyful pursuits".... not a "to do" list with boxes for check marks in the left hand column.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

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