Farty-Fart-Fart-Fart

I know I've mentioned briefly before that I have an odd fascination with fart and/or poop humour. Bodily functions in general tend to make me giggle with juvenile glee. But did you know that this simple immature fixation will win-over just about any child? I know this because I have 3 nieces and a nephew of my own, and 2 nieces and 2 nephews on Ted's side... and kids are generally stand-offish with me (which suits me just fine, 'cause to be truthful, I'm not terribly fond of children - especially babies - mind you fart humour has no effect whatsoever on babies, so maybe that's why I want nothing to do with them.) until you start talkin' "poopie" and "farts". Kids love that crap. Literally - HAR!
So why the flatulence talk? Well, it was kind of the b-side theme of Christmas weekend. First-off, there's Porthos: The most fartiest-farter-hound in the world. He wanders around passing gas (loudly I might add) on a good day, but on a bad day... oh... I dunno... let's say when people are stuffing him with doggie treats he's never had before or morsels of turkey when Ted and I aren't looking (I know it was goin' on.) he starts releasing the most noxious gas ever to escape a dog's posterior. I'm tellin' ya - baby-dog was clearin' rooms this weekend.
Then... there's Nathan, Ted's youngest nephew (4yrs old); who's been taught through various sources (myself included) that farts are funny, but... farts are "funnier" when shared. (much to his mother's chagrin) He made me laugh big time when he let an audible "ripper" go while Ted was holding him and then proceeded to insist that uncle Ted smell his butt. Ted refused of course, but this only angered Nathan. "I've cooked up a good one damn you, now you can bloody well enjoy the bouquet"! (ok, so that's Stewie Griffin, not Nathan. But you get the picture.)
Then last, but not least (and unintentionally I swear) there was my gassing of Crissy, Rachel and Sarah in the car before we drove home. I vow upon my father's grave that I honestly thought there was enough wind outside to carry the fumes far, far away before I got in the car. But sadly once I opened the door it acted as a scoop for foul odours. All at once Chrissy's wee Kia was overwhelmed and the 3 girls inside... ...trapped without mercy. Mwwahahaha wheeeeee....
Good times.
Hey, I swore it was unintentional. That's not to say I can't be giddy with an accidental dutch oven.

I'm such a child.

Let's pray this isn't my final blog entry for the year, shall we?

On a more "tasteful" note, last night Ted and I were sitting, watching TV with Cole between us and Porthos dead-to-the-world by himself on the love seat, when suddenly Porthos starts wagging his tail with great thumping enthusiasm... in his sleep. I love the thought of dogs having happy dreams. Squirrels that can't run away, a bottomless bowl of leftover cereal milk, and a bevy of foreign doggie butts to sniff without being told to stop... whatever it is... sweet dreams my happy puppies.

Given how this post has been largely a "fluff" piece if you'll pardon the pun, my song of the day will be a cheesy country song from my youth in the 80's (with a doggie theme) that had a video that made me cry. Now that I look at the lyrics I hesitate to follow-through, but hey - not all of the songs I mention are in the "rush out and buy it" category. Certainly not this one.

"Feed Jake" by Pirates of the Mississippi.

I'm standing at the crossroads in life...
And I don't know which way to go...
You know you've got my heart, babe...
But my music's got my soul...
Let me play it one more time...
I'll tell the truth and make it rhyme...
And hope they understand me...

Now I lay me down to sleep...
I pray the Lord my soul to keep...
If I die before I wake...
feed Jake...
He's been a good dog...
My best friend right through it all...
If I die before I wake...
feed Jake...

Now Broadway's like a sewer...
Bums and hookers everywhere...
Wino passed out on the sidewalk...
Doesn't anybody care?
Some say he's worthless, just let him be...
I for one would have to disagree...
And so would their mommas...

Now I lay me down to sleep...
I pray the Lord my soul to keep...
And if I die before I wake...
feed Jake...
He's been a good dog...
My best friend right through it all...
If I die before I wake...
feed Jake...

Now, if you get an ear pierced...
Some will call you gay...
But if you drive a pickup...
They say, no, you must be straight...
What we are and what we ain't...
What we can and what we can't... ***notably sung to rhyme with "ain't" hee
Doesn't really matter...

Now I lay me down to sleep...
I pray the Lord my soul to keep...
And if I die before I wake...
feed Jake...
He's been a good dog...
My best friend right through it all...
If I die before I wake...
feed Jake...
If I die before I wake...
feed Jake...
If I die before I wake...
feed Jake...

****This was a huge hit. WTF huh??