Never Done

I'm not sure why I did what I did tonight, but nonetheless, I've turned down plans to get together with an aforementioned superficial friend in favour of being alone this evening. So here I sit on a Friday night with nothing in particular to do, and feeling rather mopey.

Of course I've been feeling mopey since Wednesday night. A likely side-effect of going off the meds I suppose. Which causes me more than a little bit of dread, because I'd hate to have to go back on them and endure the zombie state of reintroducing them to my system. *sigh* It's very difficult to admit to depression as an actual "illness". Even now, after enough years (taking pills) for me to lose count, I still feel like antidepressants are a cop-out for me. Like they're an excuse to shut-down and not deal with my real feelings. I have to remind (and justify to myself) that depression isn't "merely feeling sad". It's not some event that happens along that you have to mourn to overcome. And yet, I perpetuate my own stigma, by feeling the need to be pill-free. Truthfully, I don't like them. I don't like the sexual side-effects more than anything else, but I also hate the muted colour they help you see the world in. It took a year of suggestion from my doctor to get me to go on them because I just didn't want to. And I perish the thought of actually admitting to her that I've taken my own initiative to abandon them. I honestly think I'd rather drown in emotion than monkey around with different varieties as replacements or alternatives. I want to accept my sadness as a part of me that I can control and subdue and occasionally revel in when things get too hard to bare. It's one of my design flaws. Something I have to learn to love about myself.

Facing facts though... I'm crying... a LOT. Like every day. And that can't possibly be normal. In sticking with my cognitive therapy I do try to limit myself to a short period, and then just letting it go by rationalizing my grief and sadness, and countering it with gratitude for all I have to be thankful for. Gratitude is empowering and humbling. And I do have so much to be thankful for, that's it's really an exercise in blatant "assholishness" to dwell on everything that makes me miserable. My life is good. 'Better than good. I just have to keep my sight set on that.

I'm just so affected by people and things. I find it virtually impossible to not be. People are really awful to one another... and you don't even have to pay attention to the news to see it manifested in so many things. Malice and cruelty, selfishness and greed, fear, hate and just plain ol' apathy.

Of course that's not my only source of woe. I'm lonely. Mind-numbingly, aching for companionship, and someone to just take a genuine interest in me. But then, that could be labelled ego I suppose. Since this past 8 months has been the first time in so many years that I've actually been alone I think I'm feeling the isolation with a little more magnitude than I would otherwise.

Anyhow... woe is me... boo hoo hoo... just venting and giving words to some unexpressed thoughts. I will be ok. I always am. And with good reason. I am blessed and thankful. No more dwelling.

Incomplete - Alanis Morissette (live video in link)

One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt

One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day, my mind will retreat, and I'll know god and I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure, like the women I see on their 30th anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day, I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Usher Blasts Chris Brown

I am in no way condoning Chris Brown or domestic violence. I think his relationship with Rihanna must be very unhealthy and dysfunctional to say the least - BUT - the general public, including Usher... has no right to pass judgement on a suitable display of remorse.

Celebrities they may be, but again it falls on deaf ears that "they too" are only human. Flawed and prone to error. Rihanna's been pretty silent on this whole fiasco, and if she's willing to endure more abuse, one must also consider the possibility that "maybe" she doles out a fair share of abuse herself. Perhaps that's just how they function. There are many relationships of equally horrible calibre that aren't scrutinized under a lens we reserve for celebrities who are supposed role models because they've displayed a marketable talent the world wishes to consume. To be blunt: Chris and Rihanna are kids. They're not supposed to have everything all figured-out at their age. It's sad and glaringly obvious that they've got issues - but it's also "none of our business" to tell them how to live their lives. The example they set for others is determined by the morality instilled in us by our own circumstances. It's not their responsibility to lead a perfect life for someone else to emulate. They're incapable of it - just like the rest of us. To expect it of them is incredibly naive.

Breakin' Dishes - Rihanna (from "Good Girl Gone Bad")

I don't know who you think I am
I don't know who you think I am
I don't know who you think I am
I don't know who you think I am am am am am am am am am ow

He been gone (gone)
since three thirty (three thirty)
And coming home
lately at three thirty (three thirty)
I'm super cool
I've been a fool
But now I'm hot,
and baby you gon' get it (it it it)
Now I ain't tripping ah!
I ain't twisting ah!
I ain't demented ah!
well just a lil' bit uh!
I'm kicking asses
I'm taking names
I'm on flame
don't come home babe

I'm breaking dishes up in here
All Night (Uh-huh)
I ain't go stop until I see police n' lights
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an
A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an ohhhh

I'm still waiting,
come through the door
I am killing time,
you know bleaching your clothes
I am roasting marshmallows
on the fire
And what I'm burnin'
is your attire
I'm gettin' restless
I'm gettin' tested
And I can't believe he's always out all night and never checks in
Is he cheatin'?
Man I don't know
I am lookin' 'round for something else to throw

I'm breakin' dishes up in here
All Night (Uh-huh)
I ain't gon' stop until I see police n' lights (Uh-huh)
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
I'ma 'bout a man tonight

A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an
A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an
Ohhhhh

I don't know who you think I am (I am...)
But I really don't give a damn right now
If you don't come I am going to huff and puff and
I'ma blow this blow this uh,
I'ma blow this blow this uh,
I'ma blow this house house down!
Dishes
breakin'
dishes
breakin'

I'm breakin' dishes up in here
All Night (Uh-huh)
I ain't gon stop until I see police n' lights (Uh-huh)
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
I'ma 'bout a man tonight
I'ma 'bout a man tonight

A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an
A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an
A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an
A man, a man, a ma-a-a-an

Breakin' Breakin' Breakin'...
Dishes Dishes Dishes...

Smucked in the Nose

Well... the intention was there. Sadly, the timing was completely off. 'Didn't get to see "Poopie Pants" the movie, because it was overbooked. --No seats left when we got there-- Who knew??

Thus I have no recommendations, whether or not you should see it, 'cause I didn't. And... truthfully, I likely won't now. ...well, maybe when it hits DVD.

Instead I spent the evening drinking... and (as I usually do with alcohol) ...spiraling. Some friends are not good for the soul, the esteem or one's well-being. You can learn this lesson again, and again, and again... but in the end, sometimes even the superficial is preferential to being alone.

...Not to say it's better for you... but preferential none-the-less.

I am far too sensitive. This I know. This I know.

Poopie-Pants: the movie

A matter-of-fact post about movies...

So, right now, I'm sitting at work waiting for 6 o'clock to roll around to meet some friends to have the most delicious burritos in the world from "Chipotle", and then hit the theatre at 7pm. The movie we're going to see is called "Pontypool" (so obviously all I can remember it as is "poopie pants"). I have to look at the voucher to remind me of the title every time I want to refer to it. It's a premiere screening, which means it's free. This alone makes me happy. "Pontypool" is an indie Canadian Zombie flick. My expectations are low. But as-always I'm trying to approach it with a willfully open minded attitude.

Last night I saw "Vicky Christina Barcelona" and LOVED it. Strangely enough, I'm quite convinced it was my very first Woody Allen movie. (no, he wasn't in this one) My friend Scott is quite the (W.A.) fan, and has been wanting to see it. I'm so glad he included me. The narration was a little distracting at first, but once I realized the director's commentary wasn't turned-on, (and yes, I was in need of convincing) I was quickly immersed in a brief patch of the lives of some very neurotic, richly envisioned (real) characters. And I could relate to almost every one of them in varying degrees. The male lead, played by Javier Bardem, was the most deliciously, well-rounded, loving, and wise character with the healthiest, most realistic view of life and relationships I've ever seen. And Penelope Cruz who plays his passionately unstable ex-wife actually managed to make me forgive her for "Vanilla Sky". She really is good in this film. At any rate, I loved the non-traditional theme and the cinematography, and music as well. I'll be purchasing this one to watch and share for sure.

More later maybe. If I'm not a zombie.

Sexy MoFu

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Everything AND Poopie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OEAh77W_1jE

Others embed media all the time. I however, seem to be incapable of mastering the steps it takes to do so. So... clickie-clickie on the link above to bask in one of the most horrific examples of human misery ever to be broadcast to the masses. Were I this gentlemen, I would be praying for the world to end, or at least a complete and utter annihilation of the internet and it's contents.

A complete "wipe" (if you'll pardon the pun.) from everyone's memory, including my own would seem to be in order. But instead, I shall laugh heartily and celebrate schadenfreude with the hopes that karma will overlook me for such cold-hearted mirth.

Hermititude

The months just roll by don't they?

I think s'bout time I post a little life update.

The new apartment is just about feeling like a home now. I've got much of the unpacking done at this point. Barring a pile of luggage, doggie crates, 21" tv and stand, box of books/photos and various odds and ends banished not-so-inconspicuously to a corner of my bedroom. I've lovingly dubbed it "Madame Trash Heap". It's likely to be there for a while, til I can figure out how to sell some stuff on e-bay or Craig's List.

Porthos and Cole are with me this week, and I'm happy to have them. It's amazing how happy they are to see me after a week. They just overdose on attention for the entire first night, and then sorta settle into the routine much quicker than they did before. When they're with Ted, they've got him home all day, every day, but when they're with me, they have to adjust to my schedule of not being home all day. It makes me feel awful but I try to compensate with lots of walks. Oh... and peanut butter. And I pretty-much restrict myself to a life of "hermititude" in the evenings while I have them. Although.... now that my apartment looks like a home... I can have guests!

Anyone wanna stop by and see me? : )

Blah... not very interesting for a first post in well-over a month, but it's the best I can do for today.

Discovered a fantastic not-so-new artist recently: "Skye Edwards". She's the former lead singer of a band called "Morcheeba". Her solo debut is called "Mind How You Go", and I love it. It's acoustic, yet electronic, thought-provoking and tender. Her voice is soothing and emotive.
I'm posting the lyrics to one of her songs called "Stop Complaining", but if you'd like to hear her, I'd recommend clicking "HERE" to watch her awesome, awesome, awesome video called "What's Wrong With Me". I was going to post the lyrics to that, but they're really depressing and I didn't want to go there. : )

"Stop Complaining" by Skye

I don't know why but I can't seem to find the right melody today
I can't make the words fit how I feel
I don't know when was the last time that I slept the whole night through
And when morning comes around I feel tired

I woke up from the strangest dream
With a dancing dog and a beauty queen
They said nothing
Nada
Niente
I'm empty

But you're here and I'm here
so I stop complaining
It could be raining
And I see the answer in your eyes
You're here and I'm here
I keep on singing
Just keep on singing
Singing

Do you know why I can't seem to find the right melody today
Can't make the words fit how I feel
Do you know when was the last time that I slept the whole night through
Another morning comes around I feel tired

I drive down to the rodeo
Gonna ride a bull in a video but nothing
Nada
Niente
I'm still empty

But you're here and I'm here
so I stop complaining
It could be raining
And I see the answer in your eyes

You're here and I'm here
I keep on singing
Just keep on singing
Singing
Singing
Just keep on singing
Singing
Singing
Singing
Singing
Singing
Singing