Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Anxiety Be Gone

The MOST horrible feeling in the entire gambit of emotions we human-folk can experience is anxiety. (at least in my opinion) I'm having the most inexplicable bout of anxiety today, and I really shouldn't. I don't even know why it's hitting me so hard, but I've basically got 3 things on my mind today. Training one of my co-workers to cover me while I'm away on vacation, getting the car sold, and what to do about my mom's birthday.

All of these things might seem simplistic on their own, but evidently I'm Captain Worrypants today, and thinking about them all at once does little to solve anything. Although... talkin' them out on your blog isn't the most exciting reading material so I won't delve too much with the exception of my mom's birthday which is coming up on the 13th of March. Ack, next Tuesday. Now for those of you who've been following along since January... I haven't spoken to my mom since the last time I mentioned doing so in my blog. (whenever that was) I'm not particularly thrilled to be the first to hold out the olive branch, but I'm going to anyway, because it's the right thing to do. And I'm not going to allow the perpetual silence to continue, even though I will no doubt wish I had once the dialogue is up and running. I say this only because her views and opinions on the topic of "gayness" (of which she has many) are not going to change.

I only had a sliver of hope when I embarked on this personal journey that she would grow and change. That sliver has sadly dissipated to whatever unit of measurement appropriately describes a "smidge more than nothing". This doesn't sadden me nearly as much as I thought it might, but it bolsters my belief that conflict and silence are all that can possibly play out between the two of us. And I'm going to set the first bout of conflict in motion by sending her a birthday card that she'll feel obliged to thank me for. Ahhh... breaking the silence.

I got an e-mail from my sister Cheryl the other day telling me that mom is convinced I don't care about her. Guilt tactics. Guilt tactics delivered by a middle-man. Silence is such a luxury when you're dealing with someone like my mom. Namely because since she doesn't listen, so you might as well be quiet 'cause it's not like she's going to hear anything but white-noise and evil coming out of your sound-minded, misguided-liberal mouth. -sigh-

Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts. I'm grateful that she knows. I'm grateful that she loves me and always has. And I'm grateful that I didn't let the chance go by to give her the opportunity to truly know me. I also have to be grateful for the way I was raised because everything I've learned or been-through has made me who I am. Right? Right.

I like thinking positive.

Song of the day: one of my FAVOURITE artists... Jill Scott. With a strength of spirit, and an amazing talent to write such profound wisdom into her lyrics with simplicity and joy. And sing it all so effortlessly. Jill Scott's music is food for your soul. This is "Golden"

I'm taking my freedom,
Pulling it off the shelf,
Putting it on my chain,
Wear it around my neck,

I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my car,
Wherever I choose to go,
It will take me far,

I'm livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden, [X3]
Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,
Livin' my life like it's golden, [X4]
Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,

I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song,
Singing loud and strong,
Grooving all day long,

I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my stroll,
I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
Letting the joy unfold,


I'm holding on to my freedom,
Can't take it from me,
I was born into it,
It comes naturally,

I'm strumming my own freedom,
Playing the god in me,
Representing his glory,
Hope he's proud of me,

I'm living my life like its golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, [X2]

Livin' my life like it's golden,It really matters to me, Ohhh

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