On *Beeping* My *Beep* *Beeps*

Upon reading other people's blogs, and the comments posted by their readers. An interesting topic came up, or at least I found it interesting: "Self Censorship". That's with reference to not really talking about "everything" that's on your mind in your own blog simply because you know who's reading it and you don't want them to be privy to certain aspects of your personality, life in general, or frame of mind. Or similarly holding back because you don't have the slightest clue who's reading your blog.

I think I've fallen victim to this a little myself. But in general, I'd say there are no friends or loved ones reading the contents of my blog that I feel I need to shield myself from. (to my knowledge) And as for the strangers... well... I don't know them, and my mess-ups aren't likely to provide anyone with much fodder. (naive?? perhaps. I dunno to be truthful.)

It's safe for me to say I have the hardest time writing when I'm sad. (which is often, granted) That's a large part of my personality. Because, not only am I under a doctor's care for depression, but I'm uber-sensitive, and I have low self-esteem issues. This kind of stuff isn't something I routinely talk about, because we've all got our burdens and as much as this blog helps me vent and just "void into the void"... it just doesn't seem like an appropriate place to air all that crap (not all the time). At least not if I'm at all interested in people continuing to read what I have to say. 'Cause let's face it: Moping and belly-aching gets "old" fast.
Not to mention: our world is a mess. Every sentient creature on the planet knows this. Sometimes you can't tread any longer and you get a mouthful of the drink, but overall, you have to keep swimming or events like this Tuesdays shooting in Virginia, the wars in the middle east, Global Warming, Animal Cruelty, and any garden variety atrocity or act of human injustice will drag you under. It just will. I'm very affected by all of this stuff, and as a person who suffers with depression, you worry about the stigma that comes along with it. 'Cause some would have you believe it's not normal to be sad "all the time". To some degree, I agree with that, but I also tend to hold "constantly happy" people at arm's length with a healthy dose of mistrust. (forever the cynic) Maybe that's just because I don't know where happy people get the fuel to fire a perpetually sunny disposition. Religion and faith just don't cut it for me, and I tend to think that happiness in either/or both use a wide-reaching "avoidance" tactic to cope with hardship. I know that's cold and blasphemous of me, but that's the way I feel. That's not to say I begrudge anyone the happiness they derive from their faith/religion - I've just been there and I have no desire to go back.
So what other constant happiness (joy) is there? I believe in love. And respect. And kindness. And charity. And a positive attitude doesn't hurt either when you can swing it.
All of that (and many other positive attributes I'm undoubtedly leaving out) can maintain your hope and keep you going.

Hah... I didn't know I was writing a page in the John Shannon's Self-Help Book today... What do I know really? But I still find the topic of self-censorship pretty damned fascinating even if I haven't really explained why.
I guess I'm still a big chicken, 'cause although one of my cousins reads my blog, no one else in my family knows I even write one (or what the hell a "blog" is for that matter). One day they may find out and read it for a little insight into who I am. If that comes sooner than later, I think I can deal with it, but otherwise it remains shrouded, perhaps so I have a place to deal with them in writing when I'm feeling the need. There's not much I censor otherwise.

I'm not even entirely certain why I blog much less what I purposefully omit. I've "edited" my blog entries on occasion after walking away, then coming back to find that I haven't quite said what I meant, or left something open to misinterpretation.
Blogging is a good way to let friends know what's going on in my life, since I'm dreadfully bad at returning e-mail, letters and even phone-calls. It's way better than not being in touch at all. I love a helluva lot of people donchaknow.
As for the "hit counter" and the acquisition of new readers... I know a hit counter is a little bit tacky/egotistical... but it's in my nature to be curious. "How many people are reading what I have to say"? "Is anyone reading at all"? "Ooooh new hits"!
I like the idea of someone I don't know reading what I have to say. I don't really have a forum anywhere else, and I'm an interesting/entertaining guy sometimes... so yeah... give me an audience of potential new friends. I'm up for that. Maybe I can encourage someone, or adversely let someone know they're not the only one having a shitty day. Maybe I can make someone smile with my unique spin on what my dogs are thinking or inspire interest in some of my favourite music.
Or maybe I'll end up just talking to myself. It's not like I don't do that anyway.

Yeah, that's a funny place to stop today.

"Blue Jeans" (the Illicit Club Mix) by Yasmeen

Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...
Oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...

I’ve been checkin’ you
And I like the way you walk
Your sexy B-Boy style
That confidence you flaunt
So let me take a minute
To introduce myself
‘Cause you don’t need to know
Anybody else

Here’s my number, you can call (Call)
Any time you wanna talk
That’s exactly where I’ll be
When you wanna get at me
If you wonder what you do
That’s got me into you
It’s your blue jeans
The way that you rockin’ them blue jeans, baby

No one else makes me feel
The way you do inside
Sensation is so real
Hit me day or night
So keep this nice and safe
Somewhere near your heart
Wouldn’t wanna lose this
Love before we start

You got everything that I want,
that I want
You got everything that I need
That I need, yeah

Here’s my number, you can call
Any time you wanna talk
That’s exactly where I’ll be
When you wanna get at me
If you wonder what you do (Wonder)
That’s got me into you (Into you)
It’s your blue jeans
Way that you rockin’ your blue jeans, baby

(Call me) Call me
Anytime you feel the need,
you can
(Call me) Call me
‘Cause I like what you do to me,
won’t you
(Call me) Call me
Oh, baby, you’ll like this ring
(Call me) Call me
Somewhere there’s a G

Here’s my number, you can call (Hey...yeah...yeah...)
Any time you wanna talk
That’s exactly where I’ll be (Where I’ll be)
When you wanna get at me
If you wonder what you do (Wonder what you do)
That’s got me into you
It’s your blue jeans
The way that you rockin’ them blue jeans, baby