Thursday, April 26, 2007

Subway Follies

Hi Ho... the train ride home tonight was perfectly varied. It starts out completely normal, like the auto-pilot routine that is my commute on most days .... until I walk down to the platform. There was quite a crowd amassed there... I've got my iPod on... and yet... what's this I hear? Yelling among the throngs. Loud, heated, gonna-bitch-slap-you yelling. As I continue to walk ('cuz ain't nobody gettin' on that packed train sitting there as per usual at 5:05 on the Yonge line.) I can see that the yelling is coming from these 2 women standing just inside the doors of the second door of the second car. The pair are literally in each other's faces (whether they wanted to be or not - TTC random-act-of-God placement on a train truly can be cruel and unjust) yelling stuff like "Yeah!!? Well, go ahead and see what happens!" and "Well you should watch what you're doing blah, blah, blah!!" I say "blah, blah, blah" because I didn't deem the incident too life-threatening for anyone in the vicinity, thinking A) there wasn't going to be much room for fisticuffs should the urge overwhelm them, and B) about how people in general are not adjusting well to the surge in TTC ridership. (ie: temperament, courtesy, litter). But I was left without any resolve, because the doors closed and the train pulled away with these two women still yelling at one another and the people around them wide-eyed and wary of pepper spray. No interruption in service, so I'm guessing they were mature enough to just walk away with a vehement rant for suppertime. Anyhoo, this was the first time I'd seen a full-blown screaming match at rush-hour. I can hardly wait until the usual temper-flaring that comes with hot weather starts affecting this ever-growing group subway patrons.

And my subway ride only continued to be interesting... at the risk of depravity I must admit that the crowded-nature of my trip up to Bloor/Yonge got rather stimulating. Thankfully only 3 stations to endure... or was that regretfully only 3 stations to enjoy, amidst standing-room-only with this handsome brown-skinned man nonchalantly pressing his ass into my crotch. Before you picture anything blatantly obscene.... it wasn't like a scene from an after-school special, (me needing to put a school-book over my nether-regions), nor was it pornoriffic. Yes folks. I must admit I was slightly aroused by this. Cheap, jolly, thrills. But the subway was THAT packed, and I don't care what any of you pervs think. So there are advantages to a crowded subway. hee hee
Oh come on... tomorrow I'll be nose-deep in a blue-collar schlep-fest, no deodorant-required. I have to cherish the "kinky" with the "mundane" when the "kinky" is so scarce. We all know how much I enjoy foul-stench while trying to dodge a dandruff convention 2 inches from my face. Oh but wait... something like that DID happen on the next train. Again, I smile, only because karma also comes in a gaseous state...
My dirty thoughts were rewarded with little old lady farts. You know the Tim Horton's coffee-and-a-muffin blue-hair special blend... quietly squeaked out while gabbing extra loud to mask their arrival.
"Yeah, Gladys... everyone will think it's the fat guy next to us... let 'er rip!"
Scandalous biddies! Farting on the subway is not cool.

Farting on an elevator is cool. 'Cause it's concentrated but brief. Of course the default condition of that being cool depends entirely upon whether you're the "farter" or the "fartee" of course. (...Of course.)

As high-brow as this entry is... I really must be getting to bed. Survivor was good tonight.... but not as good as last week. Hearing Boo's knee audibly "pop" back into place was a little too sound-effects-intense for me. The fact that he stayed in the competition amazed me. You "know" it was excruciating!

No song... 'cause it would be from the infectious new Hillary Duff album. Yeah. Seriously. I just can't bring myself to do that, even though it's pretty damned good.


Misster Kitty said...

Now this was a good morning read! Thanks for that!

You should have caught 'TTC Bitch Fight 2007' on video and uploaded to You Tube... at least that's what the kids are doing now-a-days.

Your ass-crotch moment reminded me of a few weeks ago on the Metro... This woman (standing in front of me) just seemed to keep getting closer and closer to me and my naughty bits, even though there was no noticeable increase of commuters in the car... til finally (cue 'Thus spoke Zarathustra') contact - was - made. I moved back a bit to 'disengage' as it were, but it was not to be. Each time I moved in reverse, so too, did my new bum-fun friend. My patience being what it is, I had already had enough. So, in a voice loud enough to ensure an audience I said , "Excuse me, um, MA'AM?, but I'm not interested in f**king you up the ass, you're just simply not my type. Think you could give me a little room here?". A few feet away I hears a stifled "HA!" and within seconds, the mission was aborted.

Anonymous said...

Amusement #1:
Your entry.

Amusement #2:
Your labels.

Amusement #3:
The comment above.

Aaah. I love to read.


Jerome said...


I just wanted to prove that I do sometimes sign in.

Misster Kitty said...

I just re-read your last post because:

1) it's Monday, I'm at work and I needed something to lift my spirits.
2) This is damn funny stuff. Pure Gold!
3) You haven't posted anything new! (hehe).

That said, I have to add one more thing...

Thank you for NOT including any Hillary Duff lyrics.