Lately I'm finding that I'm really troubled by philosophical, and existential trains of thought. And I guess a fair bit of it ties in with the fact that I haven't spoken to my mom (the root of all spirituality in my life you could say) since March. Sometimes when I'm out walking the dogs, I have entire conversations with myself about religion and my spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof) just because I truly can't believe that her bible-based convictions are more important to her than a relationship with her own child (or children, since my sisters are affected also by my mom's one-mindedness in other arenas). I'd like to say I'm at peace with where my family ties lay, but I guess I'm not, since it rears it's head every once in a while.
Trust me, I'm not looking for spiritual advice when I say this, but I feel like I have to talk about it anyhow.... It bothers me that I don't really believe in God anymore. That's not to say I don't entertain the notion that God might exist, but I think that's just an oppressive, fearful upbringing talking. To have faith, one must believe. And I simply cannot. There are too many inconsistencies when it comes to religion... imperfect rules written by imperfect beings. All of it conflicting with other faiths. Much of it leading to oppression, strife, wars, and segregation. To me it seems that religion was engineered to keep human beings from coexisting peacefully, and to keep commerce at the forefront of all societies.. the weak and the powerful based on status... when truly we are all the same. I was saying to Ted last night that we (gay people in general) are living proof that something is wrong with the bible. I'm not saying the entire thing is wrong, but I assure you it isn't a "chosen" lifestyle, as many god-fearing Christians put it. So where does that leave homosexuals in the scheme of all things biblical? It's rubbish. If the bible had declared on multiple occasions that people with red hair and freckles (or something equally genetic) were evil it would be just as wrong. But because varying sexual preferences are in the minority, you get a majority calling the shots when they don't understand (nor do they try, since they have some revered book to back them up) the very existence of that minority. How in the world is that balanced, and how could it ever be? I personally have never had a heterosexual thought. Not even the slightest desire for the opposite sex. I don't know how it feels to be heterosexual, and nor do I feel the slightest curiosity about it. But I obviously acknowledge that heterosexuality is the backbone of human existence and evolution. I can recognize and accept the difference without begrudging anyone their biology even without being straight myself. Why is it so hard to wrap one's head around the notion that human beings would have diverse sexuality to accompany all the other diversities that are so blatant??? I think about these things, when I think of my relationship with my mom. A lady who's lived her life the best way she knows how, according to the word of God. And on and on she's plodded, emotionally-crippled... judgemental... and incapable of independent thought... so much so that her own children's "sin" is more than she can cope with. I just shake my head and sigh. And then I stop and feel gratitude that my parents raised me with strong morals and the desire to "do right" and to be kind, and charitable. I'm also incredibly grateful that I am gay, because in retrospect I'd hate to have been straight and blindly following what I was taught to believe without ever stopping to think for myself. There's a lot of humility to be gained from existing as one of the very things you've been raised to believe was evil and wrong. And I do think I'm a better person for it.
Yeah, I could go on. But I won't. I know my blog has become very "gay" as of late, but "Hey"... you write what you know right?
Here's a great quote instead of a song today... Talk to you soon!
I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.