Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Peephole Stank

There's no secret that I'm pretty intolerant of stinky humans. I've most certainly made more than one entry about people with bad breath and body odour. Today before I delve into something of more substance (maybe, no promises.) I simply must mention a growing trend of women who favour really high-octane floral perfumes. It used to be only heavy-smoking women to douse themselves in something offensively, flowery... presumably to cover-up the smell of cigarettes and rotting lungs from the noses of those who might be fooled into thinking "oh no, she couldn't possibly be a smoker... she conveys only the essence of begonias on a sunny May afternoon".

Has anyone ever been fooled? The allergic and easily-annoyed want to know.

At any rate there's an entirely new segment of the female cologne-marinating population who simply love-love-love a particular brand of perfume that, to me (and who am I really?) smells like Dollar Store fabric softener sheets. Y'know, that really cheap, synthetic floral scent that doesn't even really smell like flowers? It's just one of those generic odours that someone accidentally stumbled upon and deemed the epitome of "femininity".

Picture the instructions on the label... "pour on ground, roll in puddle, smell pretty". Or "attach nozzle to create fine mist, dance in said-mist for 15 minutes until personal space consumes city-block, repeat, smell pretty".

I know I'm being extreme, but really... this is what I envision when some chick's perfume makes my sinuses close-up shop, immediately threatening to declare a headache, leaving me VERY grumpy and longing for a roll of smiley-face-stickers declaring "I stink. Stand clear." that I can slap on one of their boobs to be both provocative and offensive. Not-so-much-unlike the relationship of their "perfume intention" to their "perfume reality".

There is a rule with cologne and perfume. If you haven't heard it... gather 'round. It goes a little somethin' like this:

IF YOU CAN SMELL YOUR OWN FRAGRANCE, YOU ARE WEARING TOO MUCH!

Fragrances are subjective. I realize this. Everybody has their own idea of what smells complimentary on their own skin. But like a teenage boy who smells like he just crawled out of the air conditioning ducts of your local Abercrombie and Fitch store... and soaked in a tub full of the latest stank by Tommy Hilfiger... LESS.... is almost certainly MORE.

Gee... I truly wasn't planning on a full-blown topical rant. But it's decidedly more colourful than my chiropractic appointment today. Let's leave it at that. I think I shall watch more "Oz" and get to bed at a decent hour tonight.


Help, I'm Alive - Metric

I tremble
They’re gonna eat me alive
If I stumble
They’re gonna eat me alive

Can you hear my heart beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer
Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer

If you’re still alive
My regrets are few.
If my life is mine,
what shouldn’t I do?
I get wherever I’m going,
I get whatever I need
while my blood’s still flowing
and my heart still beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer.

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer
Hard to be soft, tough to be tender
Come take my pulse, the pace is on a runaway train
Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer, beating like a hammer

Help, I’m alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer.

2 comments:

Misster Kitty said...

Oh honey... I feel your pain! I used to be one of 'those fags' that bought the latest colognes and would put it on even if I wasn't going out. Obsession, Eternity, Fahrenheit… and then I noticed my sense of smell was diminishing… I think I’ve worn cologne about 6 times in the past decade… occasionally I’ll wear essential oils like bergamot.. (you’d be amazed how well it wears… or so I’ve been told cause I *DO* follow the rules and I can’t smell it) It reminds me of my “Lady. You REEK” Moment a while ago back … I don’t have allergies but I know how much a stinky stank can attack you, an long after the fact.

Consider distilling some of the poochies poo in a scent proof container and spritz these fin young ladies as you pass them, and if they complain you can reply with “Oh, I’m sorry, but I thought since you wanted to smell like shit, that I’d help you out…”

Hang in there... soon it will be summer and the heat... oh god the heat... you KNOW what that means... ;-)

John said...

Oh the insufferable stink-inducing heat. Oy! Don't remind me.

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to have no sense of smell. (not that I want the head-injury to ensure it.)